Now Ill never be a teen model

HOLY SHIZ

2009-07-06T23:04:00.002-04:00

I think I just bought a house! Umm yeah! WTF? Buyers remorse...maybe...panic...possibly....migraine...absolutley!

A year later

2009-07-04T09:32:00.004-04:00

One year ago today my father in law passed away. I can safely say this was the closest I have ever come to a full on nervous breakdown. I cannot believe the amount of stress I was under at this time because I was also a week away from taking my boards for PA school for which I had studied basically zilch for because I had been at Duke with him for 3 days then come home to watch him die for two weeks. My husband was a disaster my mother in law was a DISASTER to the point where she was a danger to herself. I hadnt slept in 6 months because before that I was preparing for graduation and leading up to that my father in law was in really poor health not being able to swallow, being incontinent, and various other health problems. The worst part about it was my father in law who had been struggling with alzheimers for 5 years was the most lucid Id seen him since his diagnosis. He heart was failing but it seemed his brain was razor sharp. Being the medical professional I had to be the one to switch off my emotions take everything in process what was happening because when a doctor would talk to us everyone would monitor my every facial expression every breath sigh movement. But I was dieing on the inside too. I had never had parents until I dated my husband and I knew what was coming. My mother in law cornered me asking me to explain to her what the tests had said I did and she broke down sobbing it was the first time she actually realized it was about to be over. Later that day he looked up at her and grabbed her hand and asked am I sick? She explained to him that he was using the same analogy I had used which made me feel at least a little better at having been the one to have to tell my mother in law and have to see that... I still see it sometimes when I close my eyes. He struggled for a couple more days but finally on July 4th she leaned over and told him its ok to go and he smiled and that took one last breath. I'm a lot stronger than I ever thought I could be a year later. July 4th isnt every just going to be hotdogs and fireworks now

Revenge is Sweet and Not Fattening

2009-07-02T20:26:00.004-04:00

Ok bitch watch your back. Im on to your two faced games. Your not as smart as you think you are and your days are numbered. Ive never been one to let someone get away with making me miserable you'll regret this in the end one way or another. It may take me some time but bitch I'll get you. Does anyone have any ideas for exacting revenge?

A List

2009-06-23T13:25:00.004-04:00

I'm stealing this from another blog....

I cant:

- force myself to go to bed a decent time
- keep my closet organized for longer than a week
- stop drinking coke zero
- pass up a great pair of shoes
- not text my girls multiple times a day about nothing while Im bored at work
- make meringue

I can:

- tell you the calorie content of most foods
- usually get my boss out of bad mood with a flirty smile
- coordinate my outfit and accessories precisely right down to pen color
- turn anything into a Friends or Gilmore Girl reference
- go to any length to justify not cleaning
- bake almost anything
- entertain myself way to easy

I wont:

- continue to be scared about what happens next
- let laundry pile up
- go for a long time without talking to my girls just because we live far apart now
- continue to be unhappy because its easier than making waves

I will:
- try to eat better, exercise more to keep myself happy and healthy
- look for the best in the situation
- figure out what it is that will make me happy and stop putting it off
- budget my time better
- always love a great laugh

I shouldnt:
- be paralyzed by what others think of me
- be critical of myself over everything
- cry or yell more than I laugh and smile
- put myself last
- make lists of things that will never get accomplished
- waste energy on things that are petty and stupid
- check TMZ, facebook, or perez hilton everday

I should:

- listen more
- relax
- procrastinate less
- learn to let go
- read more
- be nicer to my mother
- strive for organization

Ouch

2009-06-14T12:37:00.003-04:00

So I was proud of myself. I had being doing 30 day shred consistently, it was getting easier, I didnt want to kill Jillian or those biatches on the screen. My waist and legs are smaller at least by measurement then it happened. It feels like someone is driving nails up the bottom of my heel and up the back of my leg with every step I take and when I get off my foot I have this wonderful burning pain and numbness. Great. Just in time for me to have to work my partners vacay at work so I get to stand on my feet for the next 7 days for 10 hour days. I figure this is some variety of tendinitis and I have tried to stay completely off my foot for last three days it has helped it none. I also had to let the hubs do the shopping for the week so I could stay off my foot so we are going to have to starve and cant wash our clothes or dishes or use toilet paper this week. Jillian Michaels really does hate me after all.

Tony Awards, How To Get the Hubs to Watch.

2009-06-08T13:00:00.004-04:00

So I tortured the hubs last night not with the usual whips and chains, no true torture by making him watch the Tony Awards. At least once a week I exclaim to no one in particular I just want to quit being a PA and dance and sing so I was pretty excited to watch them. Also NPH was hosting and How I Met Your Mother is my favorite show so... Anyway were watching and the hubs is reading a mustang magazine so as to retain the ability to stand up while urinating and Brett Michaels starts to perform. He immediately stopped reading, " WTF?" then awe-struck silence. Yeah I know I'm proud. Moving on... At the end of this performance Brett was struck in the head with a large piece of the set and knocked to the ground. The hubs jumped off the couch and was like whoa did you see that? He grabs his phone and was about to call someone to ask if they saw that then I think the realize of what he was about to do sunk in and he quickly slammed his phone closed and went back to reading his magazine. I smiled silently to myself but I couldnt help but think if they could get an 80's rocker to perform and be unexpectedly knocked unconscious every year husband all over could openly enjoy them. Just a thought. PS hope Brett is ok.

AHHH

2009-06-03T21:13:00.002-04:00

Ive been doing Jillian Michaels 30 day shred and it just leaves me asking a couple questions:

1) Why does Jillian Michaels hate me so much and want to make me cry?
2) Who are these 400 lbs people that can do this shiz the keeps talking about?
3) Will I ever be able to advance to level 3 and do I even want to?
4) In level 3 Do I run out to the garage and push my car around? Hoist the fridge into the air?
5) If I make it to level 3 will my lungs explode and will the carpet in my living room be able to handle the massive amounts of sweat?

Two Left Feet and A Tit

2009-05-30T15:36:00.003-04:00

So my boss stares unapologetically at my chest at least 30-40 times an hours and I really have no cleavage. He also makes comments about how I'm very beautiful to patients and will give my the up down or send me to get a pen or a chart or something so he can look at my ass but hes for the most part harmless and so it cracks me up. The other provider its this treatment too but she swears I'm the favorite, lucky me. Anyhow I was rounding with him and I walked into a patient room to check something and I turned back around and ran directly into him. He must have been standing less than two inches away from me and turned into him when I turned back around. I was knocked off balance because of the shoes I was wearing also and I grabbed his arm and I think my boob brushed his arm. I was absolutely horrified. The other provider thought this was great. I wanted to die. I still want to die. I may have to quit my job. Maybe he'll stop staring now though.

Here I am

2009-05-28T20:00:00.003-04:00

I havent disappeared. I just havent felt like blogging lately Ive been in a funk with nothing particularly interesting to say. I get up, go to work do my bosses job for him get hit on by him come home do every single bit of housework around here and then workout and go to bed so I can get up at 5 am and start all over. I did have a girls weekend escape recently which was much needed. Our hotel room was overpriced though seeing as how it was like staying in a homeless persons ass. So yeah but we got two free drinks every night so it was overlooked. We also discovered jewelerly making and dropped about 200,000 beads in the carpet in the room so I'm sure we screwed them out of a sweeper at least. I just wanted to say hi I'm here.

Things that have happened since I last posted

2009-04-24T09:34:00.004-04:00

1) I have added additional items to my Murtagh list
a) I am to old to make dumb mistakes with household chores like burning a hole in my carpet with the vaccuum.

b) I am to old to drive somewhere and be so aimlessly lost that I have to call someone and describe what I see around me.

c) I am to old to zone out everytime someone discusses something financial.

2)I have become the official slave at work. The other provider has decided not to work and I have bore the brunt of this. I'm sick of it. I came home and went to sleep at 9:00 pm all this week out of sheer exhaustion.

So in conclusion:

Ive been a sleep deprived and overworked to the point where Ive become a dumbass and burnt a hole in the carpet, driven around lost, and zoned out during conversation.
Whats new with you?

well that was interesting

2009-04-10T20:54:00.003-04:00

my boss quit today or our company forced him to resign for reasons unknown to me things have been scattered, i feel confused and upset, i feel like he got a dirty deal and i hate that i didnt get a chance to say goodbye. we just came in this morning into our tiny tiny office and all of his stuff was gone, he came in the middle of the night and packed up... sad. too many people were happy about it today too which made the day worse. i just hate that i may never really know what happened, stuff gets so twisted around there. i have no idea what will happen now. i hate uncertainty, i hate lack of control or even perceived control. i felt nauseus all day and then came home and ate a bag of jelly beans, Happy Easter.

my murtaugh list

2009-04-03T19:01:00.002-04:00

Im too old for this shit

I religiously watch How I Met Your Mother. This past week featured the Murtaugh list, from Lethal Weapon, the list of shit Ted's getting to old to do. I think this came a perfect time seeing as how it came a week after my 25th for the 2nd time birthday. You see I'm not getting any older than 25. Anyhow here is my own personal Murtaugh list thus far.

1) Eating an entire bag of sour patch kids, hot tamalaes, or M&Ms
2) Staying up all night before having to work the next morning
3) Hanging out at the mall with no real purpose
4) Doing laundry at my parents house
5) Eating cereal for every meal
6) Not owning real furniture
7) Having a haircolor which cannot be found in nature

?

2009-03-20T10:16:00.003-04:00

well it finally happened i broke the gazelle, you know the tony little exercize piece of equipment, it probably had literally over 200,000 miles on it. i wore through heavy steel to make a complete hole in a steel beam, that ladies and gents takes some dedication and talent if i do say so myself. i think tony should spring for lipo for those last 10 lbs seeing as how i managed to break steel with my legs. dont you agree?

At least I entertain myself

2009-03-16T13:52:00.002-04:00

its endlessly funny to me that someone found my blog searching for Big Butt Kardashian. LOL hahahaha that it the funniest thing ive heard all day. Also marsha brady outfits, and planned teen pregnancy. Wow winners all around.

some info please?

2009-03-16T13:42:00.003-04:00

can someone please tell me what a dogs thing is supposed to look like after you neuter him? i dare not google dog penis and or some such nonsense and no one seems to have a male animal that i know. the medical practitioner in me forces me to have some curiosity about whether its healing correctly and the overproctective dog mom in me wonders as well. any suggestions?

now what?

2009-03-14T21:13:00.002-04:00

spring was finally starting to drop hints its may be arriving like a junior high girl crushing hard but then came the snow and 20 degree temps. then i got the flu. wtf? i got a frickin flu shot and i use so much purelle i probably have an illegal blood alcohol level come days end how did i get the flu, not to mention shouldnt we be done with flu season already? so im in a funk im not capitalizing anything, i dont have anything in particular i want to write about, i dont have anything in particular i want to do, i feel blah. spring where are you?

im that person

2009-03-12T10:52:00.004-04:00

I dropped my poor baby dog off at the vet this morning to have his manhood taken away and I teared up when he clung to me as the came to get him. I usually take delight in making fun of the weirdos in the waiting room at the vets but today I was one of them, blinking back tears and fighting the desire to scream dont take away my baby. I was also completely insensed that the hubs was not also completely horrified by the event and simply said I'm at work I can't talk about your nervous breakdown now.

ughh

2009-03-06T20:23:00.002-05:00

its bad enough its my weekend to work when its the first pretty weekend of the year. its bad enough im sick, sick sick like i have the flu or something wretched like that. its bad enough im working with the doc that is a whimp that makes me do all his work this weekend so it will be a bear to get through this when my whole body is aching and i have a fever and my head is pounding and my patients smell like a dead animal mixed with vomit and poop. then my boss came in today and hes sick, bastard he made me sick. i know it. grrr

Dont You Judge Me My Skin Scalding Off Is Punishment Enough

2009-03-03T11:10:00.006-05:00

Since Winter/Death/Hell has made a depressing reemergence I have made a rather late foray into seasonal affective disorder. I mean cmon how long can winter possibly last I had already put away most of my winter crap hauled out a bunch of those stupid bags that dont really worked that are meant to collapse all of your clothes into a minsucle space the size of shirt pocket by hooking them up to the vaccuum but all that really happens it that it pisses me off and it pisses the dog off and I managed to get one of the bags stuck in the vacuum and I think I may have burnt up the vacuum. Anyways after that incredibly prodcutive day I got to open two of those wonderous achivements of human engineering because after several days of 60+degree weather its back into the frickin teens yes teens. I don't want to repackage all my winter crap again. But this caused a major depression and a major longing for summer and I decided to tan. Yeah I know save me the lecture about skin cancer aging blah blah blah. I have survived repeated pneumonias, rheumatic fever, and an infection after surgery on my spinal cord I have also eaten something I dropped on the floor in the breakroom in the ER and the place where I work now has a patient that has an infection that only 17 people in the whole US have. If I want to tan a couple times I think its ok. Except I'm a dumbass and I fell asleep in a high pressure bed. I woke up and my whole body felt HOTT. I had to go to work yesterday glowing red. A guy I work with told I look like a glowing apple. Nice. So much for ending my seasonal affective disorder. Next time I'll just cut my own my bangs.

2009-02-25T21:05:00.003-05:00

I totally forgot until just now when I was mindlessly channel surfing looking for something that is way less than mentally taxing to watch how much I love Beth dog the Bounty Hunters wife. I mean really. Big curly dyed blonde hair, big torpedo boobs, big fake nails, lots of makeup, big stripper shoes. I think shes my shero. Actually i think ive worked too much this week.

YOWZA

2009-02-24T19:43:00.003-05:00

Just a quick note to let you know that Jason Mraz song Butterfly make me want to rip my frickin clothes off. I listened to it no less than 15 times in the past 2 days and I cant stand how hormonally charged it makes me.

Shortbus captain?

2009-02-21T00:30:00.004-05:00

Do you ever get so tired you just burst into laughter, like crazy manical laughter where you cant stop and maybe even snort? Yeah I totally did today at work.... nice. I was super tired and I was getting punchy and I was telling a mildly funny story and couldnt even finish because I couldnt catch my breath and had tears coming out of my eyes. I guess half the unit heard me...nice. I guess crazy laughter at work though is better than crying right?

Umm WHAT?

2009-02-15T21:59:00.004-05:00

Ive been known to talk very quickly, especially if I get worked up about something or Im in a hurry, when this happens I tend to mumble. I was dictating something for a chart at work and apparently the person transcribing it couldnt figure out what I said my name was which created a cute new nickname for me with my boss. I left him a note and signed it with the nickname because well Im always looking for a way to suck up. Anyways he read the note and said if you werent married and I wasnt married Id kiss you! WHAAAATTT????!!!!!!! I made no comment or eye contact and stood completely still until it was over.

This week Blows Ass

2009-02-12T09:34:00.005-05:00

We were supposed to get a kick ass new episode of How I Met Your Met Mother on Monday, instead there was a rambling boring presidental speech fail #1

Tuesday I decided I had enough my new bc pills and I was taking my life back from constant headaches, nausea, and the worst acne I have had since 8th grade and I stopped the MFers and immediately started my period again for the second time this month fail #2

Tuesday we also had a watermain break and lost water wtf? fail #3

Tuesday water returned and I took a shower was in the said shower when the MIL called to tell me we had a boil advisory " honey dont even brush your teeth with it" So im guessing covering your body with it is probably out to? fail#4

Wednesday its like 70 degrees freakin awesome then we have a tornado and lose power if your keeping score at home we have had no power and no water within two days I now think I qualify as living in a third world country. Fail #5

The interstate was shutdown for hours I watched a stoplight literally blow off and seriously considered trying to pee into a dasani bottle but didnt know how to work out the mechanics without ruining the interior of my new car. Fail #6

When I finally made it home the dog had been in the dark for hours and had gone apeshit crazy and decided to see how many rooms he could poo in but I didnt catch on because it was pitch black and being pitch black makes it harder to find 1) a flash light and 2) random piles of poo so I stumbled around trying to find my flash light and cursing and using my cell phone for light and step in at least 4 piles of dog diarrhea in my socks then bare feet, awesome I know your jealous. Fails #'s 7,8,9,10

I contemplated just closing the door and leaving and letting the dog have the house and letting the hubs and the dog figure it out later but I was covered dog shit and I couldnt find my keys and was sobbing by this point and I already knew I couldnt pee in the dasani bottle so this weeks gotta get better right?

Salmonella for Everyone

2009-02-10T10:16:00.003-05:00

I got a frantic call from my grandma this morning at 5, on my day off, because she was concerned about my health. She was very scared because she had bought me a giant 100 count box of kashi peanut butter granola bars 6 months ago. She was screaming at me at 5 in the morning to stop eating them. After the intial shock had worn off I told her we had finished them already and if they were infected with salmonella it was too late because they truly delicious. There was a long pause on the other end she then said so do you want some more of those next time I go to Sams? I laughed a little and said umm I better not try to push my luck.

My quarterlife crisis comes full circle

2009-02-01T09:29:00.002-05:00

Well I bought a frickin sports car in the middle of a snowstorm. Its orange, it sounds like a racecar and resembles the general Lee. If I tanned a little climbed on the hood and added paypal to the bitch I could make extra cash. I'm not real sure what came over me. I have never been the throw caution to the wind gal I'm the one who plans everything, Im the one who does the assigned reading and get a jumpstart on the rest of the book. I make planned calculated decisions with spreadsheets and flowcharts and dont get me wrong I cut loose but I plan it and scheduled and the work is done first. But none of that happened this time. I just walked into a dealership and said I want that orange bitch and bought it after I had totally planned on buying a sensible ford edge in sensible off white. Then as punishment god said let there be snow and snowed 4 feet for 2 weeks.

So I think the lesson here is clear listen chica dont step one toe over that spontaneous line, dont think about having fun, throwing caution to the wind, bitch o or you will be punished.

The TPS Reports?

2009-01-20T09:46:00.005-05:00

I got called into work yesterday to do discharge summaries which remind me so much of the stupid TPS reports from Office Space. I could scream, in fact I did scream when I hung up the telephone.
The weirdo new girl at work has decided she is going to hurry up and haphazardly do all her work to in a few hours to get our boss out of there quickly. Well I would like to not kill all of our patients so I would to make I sure I do it correctly and I would not like to you know ruin my kidneys and digestive system by not eating or peeing the entire time Im at work, Thanks though. This is gonna be a long couple days....

5 simple Blessings

2009-01-17T08:22:00.004-05:00

I saw this post on another blog and decided to participate

5 Simple Things Im Thankful for Today

1) Coke zero espeically fountain coke zero, I asked for fountain zero for my house for christmas but that I guess will have to wait until next year.
2) Amazing gas heat
3) TV on dvd
4) Days off
5) The swiffer wet jet

The Weather Is Broke Yall

2009-01-16T08:24:00.004-05:00

When I got up this morning it was -5. Not the windchill the actual temp was -5 frickin degrees, when I went to work it was a balmy -2. This is ridiculous. How can it be this cold. I cant believe this. I have move immediately. I couldnt even feel the steering wheel and my vehicle didnt even want to turn over really to tell the truth I didnt either because how does one dress for weather this cold? I felt like Ralphie's brother in a Christmas Story. Where's the global warming ya'll?

Im Just Here For Some Birth Control

2009-01-15T20:25:00.006-05:00

I went for my pap today. Ughh. I hate going I put it off as long as possible. I have a poor track record, not because I have had a bad pap or anything like that, but because my first one was traumatic. I have no idea why really I guess just because I built it up in my head, then I passed out, while changing back into my clothes so I passed out naked in the gynos office and got a giant bruise on my forehead and half the office came charging in to see what was going on. There I was naked on the floor. Yeah that only happens to me. But nothing like that happened to me this time but still I put it off each year. This year I hadnt even made it to "scoot all the way to the end of table" and I got " hey so when are gonna have some kids" and I was like ummm well Im here for some birth control so probably not anytime soon good Lord and Loestrin 24 willing. I mean how are you gonna hassle someone to have kid thats coming in for some birth control?

a couple random things

2009-01-08T13:03:00.004-05:00

1) Jennifer Garner had her baby but didn't release the name, good for her. All I have done since hearing this is wonder what the baby's name is and check the Internet every 15 minutes to see if its been posted yet.

2) We are never going to find a house. Everything is crap, Realtors use photoshop when posting pics of houses on the Internet to get your hopes up, this should stop.

3) I wisely sidestepped being part of a public scandal. This is very unlike me. I will be the first one to tell you I thrive in drama. I am proud of myself even if I inadvertently avoided it.

Courtney Cox Is That You?

2009-01-06T23:23:00.003-05:00

I miss Courtney Cox's original face. Its weird thats shes on Scrubs, its weird thats Scrubs is on ABC now, but her face is freaking me out a little. While shes still attractive she looks like a wax mannequin. If it lasts for a season or two she may become younger than Sarah Chalke.

A few random things...

2009-01-04T13:11:00.004-05:00

I have been a really crappy blogger lately. Sorry I suck lets move on. I have accumulated lot of hostile ramblings over my extended absence.

1) The ho bag lady that schedules me is obviously trying to kill me by scheduling me almost every single day for 10 hours a day for when we have some the sickest patients and when I have some of the worst PMS and when I have simultaneous stomach virus/strep throat. I am working 60 hours back to back so I will probably call or at the very least spend one of these days locked in the bathroom sobbing.

2) There too shows that are on Monday nights now. I am forced to be a hermit on Mondays and now that more stuff is starting on Monday and since I have this crazy thing called ya know work that interferes with evening routine I feel like Monday tv is going to lop over into Tuesday.

3) There is a full on pregnancy epidemic. I still have 3 hold outs who havent given there ut's to the fad but everywhere I look there it is. I feel like my eggs are drying up. But I mean c'mon Ive got Britney Spears tickets in March and its not like you could go to a Britney Spears concert all knocked up. Well you probably could....

Anyways thats enough ramblings for now heres hoping everyone having a great 2009 so far, youre not working too much, your not sick/PMSing, and your not being sucked in by the mommies or mm congrats your pregnancy!

momma will bring home the bacon

2008-12-31T17:38:00.004-05:00

Well this works on more than one level. Ive been neglecting my blog bc all I do is work. I alternate between liking my job and wanting to run screaming through the glass window next to my desk. I also alternate between knowing what to do and feeling like I want to hide. It also works because my previously mentioned imaginary bf Elliot Sadler was fired yesterday. I was sad but I think that he can stay home and take care of our imaginary children, Elliot Jr. and Lorelei. On the plus side I save money on groceries because I eat one meal day now. I save money on electricity because I am never home to use any. Also I can totally relate to my patients with dementia because I never know what day it is because I am always there except for like those 3-4 hours where I lie unconscious in bed. I hate my job.

now for something completely different

2008-12-23T16:24:00.003-05:00

.....Little did I know I was walking into a disaster yesterday when I strolled into work. I work in a long term acute care, so routinely it is high stress but this was a disaster, not stressful there is a difference. This was a F&#/(^G DISASTER. I was completely overwhelmed. The doctor who is basically the only doctor who works there decided he didnt want to work again for two weeks. This being a hospital with no doctor is like a fish with no water except I was thrown into the position of being the water. To say Ive been sucked dry is an understatement. I think he did this as a punishment to some people but all it has done is punish me and I am not the one it was intended to punish. Im completely exhausted and what freaks me out more than anything is that there is absolutely no one covering tomorrow but me. NO DOC that I know of and one was circling the drain today and tomorrow is Christmas eve and I have to work and all I want to do is take a nap I havent wrapped anything and I dont even care. I just want sleep and to not have to work.

Nothing should be this good and easy

2008-12-21T20:01:00.004-05:00

.....Thats what she said.

Ok sorry. We have been watching Step Brothers this evening and I think it effected me. Anyway, I went to a cookie swap last night and I have to say as big a pain in the rear as it was to fix all the cookies it was fun to get cookies from a bunch of other people. But I have found the most delicious and easiest cookie my mouth is starting to water a little just thinking about it. Oreo balls kick ass and I highly recommend them.

You crush a package of oreos and mix in 8oz package of cream cheese. Then put in the freezer for a little bit to get cold. Then dip in melted white chocolate.

Im off to make some right now.

I Love It

2008-12-16T17:54:00.004-05:00

I have to say that I love finding the absolute perfect gift for someone. I will spend a painful amount of time searching for just the right gift and just the right presentation that matches not only the gift but the person. The hubby is anal about making sure the corners are pointy on the wrapping paper but he would wrap everyones presents in newspaper. He uses way too much tape and he uses no ribbons. The wrapping process ends up being very stressful but I love having the right present with the right wrapping paper giving someone a beautiful present that you know they will love is great. I love it.

Electric Sex In The Window Its Not

2008-12-14T17:32:00.003-05:00

My sister shot herself in the hand trying to shoot a raccoon with a BB? bee bee? bebe? gun. This is possibly the most horrifying and hysterical moment of my life. I being a medical professional was trying to show genuine concern and medical knowledge when the whole thing occurred but all I could go was dance around singing you'll shoot your eye out. I laugh when I get nervous anyway and I just couldn't stop. Its really official now I'm awful person.

Now If I Was Home Long Enough to Spend It

2008-12-13T16:02:00.003-05:00

The other PA quit or was sorta fired or something Im not quite sure. I have massive overtime. This is great sorta. But Im never home. Im exhausted. I got my first paycheck and it was awesome. It was more than what I made the entire time I was at my last job. I'm brain fried and I need a nap and will write more later.

Two for Tuesday

2008-12-09T14:06:00.004-05:00

1) When I graduated high school I bought myself a ring as a dig to my then bf. It was aptly named the "Nobody loves me like me ring" because we were going off to different schools and while I certainly didnt want a ring well long story short, I found it Im rocking it again its pretty. I like it.

2) I noticed yesterday my hair had finally grown out from the last time I had decided to cut it on a whim. Last night I started wanting to do something different with it.

Hump Day Monday Edition

2008-12-08T17:06:00.009-05:00

Its been a tough week already. The other PA is apparently

a) an ass

b) the golden child or has incriminating photos of someone

c) driven to piss me off and take away every day I have by not showing up ever

I dont want to talk about it though.

Instead I would like to talk about how I am dumping my imaginary bf Elliot Sadler.

a) He is pissing me off by finishing every race 20+ this season.

b) I have loved him longingly for several years even at the disgust of the hubs and other racing spectators sitting around us but he refuses to pine away for me and is getting married probably even as we speak.

c) His horns would probably poke out my eyes anyways during relations.

Its ok I have moved on, at least until February when racing starts again because lets face it sometimes you need others things to think about while watching 42 guys drive in a circle and rough and dirty sex with Elliot Sadler is a good one. Oh sorry I was supposed to be off him now.

I watched this Hallmark Movie last night about Tourettes because well theres nothing like a Hallmark movie when you have PMS to make you want to lay under the back tires of the car. But in moments before my eyes swelled shut from hysterical crying at the triumph of the human spirit I had enough time to develop a strong urge to climb on this guy. James Wolk wow weee yeah hes a great actor because he played Tourettes great but yowsa.

So to summarize the other PA at work better watch his back, I have PMS, Elliot Sadler and I have broken up, and James Wolk made me so erotically charged while watching a Hallmark Hall of Fame Movie I made a Hump Day post on a Monday!

Gingersnap Latte STAT

2008-12-07T17:59:00.004-05:00

So my workplace has become very hostile and stressful. Theres some major conflict and I have a major urge to either drink coffee or eat a jar of peanut butter with a spoon everyday when I come home. I chew at least a pack of gum a day while I'm there to prevent from
a) chewing on my tongue
b) swallowing my tongue
c) bitch slapping someone
Its pretty much like I'm trapped in an episode of the Hills only theres no script and its way less predictable so I have no idea whats going to happen and I'm constantly on edge oh also theres a lot of patients on ventilators. The only reason I havent yet jumped out one of the windows is that my boss knows that its getting deep in there and brings me Gingersnap Latte's when he decides to show up and also because I sing Britney Spears loudly in my car on the way to and from work.

HaHa

2008-12-04T17:31:00.003-05:00

Someone recently found my site with "what a teenager does on vacay" sorry to disappoint you. Unless you are a perv and you were using this info for pervy gain and then good Im glad this was a fruitless search.

Hump Day

2008-12-03T20:21:00.004-05:00

Elliot Sadler- If Elliot Sadler were a mansteak I'd like to take a big bite. Happy Hump Day

Two for Tuesday

2008-12-02T17:41:00.006-05:00

1) I got 7th row Britney Spears tickets today for the day before my 26th birthday

2) I am a total dork

The Hubs is Not Nice But Is Funny

2008-12-01T10:32:00.003-05:00

Last night the dog disappeared under the couch with the remote and the tv went to one of those music weird music channels. Well being two grown adults we are both scared of our small dog and too lazy to do any about it so we continued to stare blankly at the tv. Then Memories came on and I told the hubs my mom used to sing this to me while she waited for me to take a shower. (See I had to have a shower monitor at first or I would sit down and go to sleep or just sit down and spend hours in there, see the narcolepsy/laziness has been around for awhile.) The hubs looked at me and said "Did you ever think you smelled so bad she had to do that to take her mind off of it?"

Gee honey thanks love you too.

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T19:14:00.004-05:00

I need my Thanksgiving pants so while I wish I could breathe I will give you a picture of what I wish my stomach looked like instead of what it looks like post turkey, stuffing, a roll the size of fist, and a piece of pie which wasnt good but I was peer pressured into eating.

Two for Tuesday... Sorta

2008-11-25T14:44:00.009-05:00

I heart How I Met Your Mother in a way thats unnatural, like if I could only have one tv shows love child it would be How I Met Your Mother's. Ok now that I made you feel awkward on with it.

1) 50 reason why people have sex a la Lily

2) The Naked Man- The Burt Reynolds is My Fave

ps- What show do you heart?

Now Until Mid January I Guess I'll Grocery Shop on Tuesday at 3:30 am

2008-11-22T17:53:00.004-05:00

WTF

2008-11-21T19:30:00.006-05:00

I'm stealing this from another blog because I really believe the key to the advancement of the human race is knowledge so everyone should know about this.

So this is incredible to me. There is obviously some alcohol involved its pictured there to the right but ginormous amount that would have caused this should have caused their drunk naked asses to fall off the bridge. Also someone took a picture of this but it didnt tie up traffic? This person must not have any friends. Also this gutter slut took time to have a nice cig and a conversation on top of this loser after. Ahh love.

Hump Day

2008-11-19T19:33:00.005-05:00

Its Wednesday. I had orientation to my new job today. It started by me not really realizing that I had to get out of bed, thinking when the alarm off went off, haha hubs sucks to be you, then I realized, oh $#%^ thats sucks to be me. I got it up it was cold I was tired my hair was doing this weird flippy frizzy staticky thing like I had just been to the electric chair and lived but kept this bitchin hairstyle as a souvenir for all to see. A little later in the day I found a piece of my what I assume to be someone's tooth in my sandwich on my forced lunchdate with the CEO. Goodtimes man. Fast forward to when I had to flip on my Joy Turner switch. It was a mess. But its hump once again, so here goes. Paul Teutul Jr. its the dimples.

Two for Tuesday

2008-11-18T17:29:00.003-05:00

1) You shouldn't eat frozen yogurt when there are snow flurries outside no matter how much you want it. You will never get warm again. Even if you get a nice fall/winter flavor and blast the heat there is no way to recover. You will then prompt you're weirdo sis to stop for coffee at every starbucks for the next 15 exits.

2) You will never run into your ex when you look smokin searin awesome with your hair and makeup done with a rockin outfit. You will however run into your ex and his new wifey-poo when you've been traveling all day in the car in sweats, been asleep for three hours, mascara smeared, hair all like a rats nest, like you've been out all night rode hard and put up wet. She however will have on It will will then cause your mom to say wow Bitzy Muffy Tuffy is really beautiful.... You have mascara on your face, your hair needs brushed, you look really tired, you need to start exercising more, you need a vitamin, blah blah blah blah blah.

Frankly My Dear

2008-11-16T14:31:00.003-05:00

Wow head's spinning as I sit here typing this. Some not so great things have happened recently but I have Scarlet O'hara in me so I don't want to think about that right now or I might go crazy. I also have this really just whacky thing that happens when I get really stressed where my bronchials close so somewhere in BFE I started having a full blown asthma attack last night in the car. Well being the organized adult together woman I am I had nail files, tissues, a sweater shaver, shampoo, a travel checkers game, a book, 4 types of gum, hand santizer, tweezers but no inhaler in my purse. We had to go to some two bit wally world that didnt have primtene inhalers but pills so of course they thought we were making meth even thought it sounded like Yanni playing a solo in my bronchioles. Then the primtene pills have really helped the anxiety I feel like a caged rat. Also we drove my aunts car here which smells like hiney and I just realized this post makes little to no sense because I really didnt explain where we were going but really oh well because no one reads this crap anyways.

Well Go Me....What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

2008-11-14T12:20:00.003-05:00

Well I have scored myself a super awesome prestigious new job except the job I have had for the past couple of months has sucked the life and brains out of me so now this job is probably way out of my league and I keep waiting for them to realize I'm an idiot and take the job away. But I was super honest when I interviewed for it and they liked that so I guess they realize its like hiring McDreamy when you need an actual neurosurgeon. Well maybe its not that extreme did get training for what I'm about to do I have just been playing in snot, ears, rashes, and poop, for the past couple and now I'm expected to deal with heart attacks, strokes, kidney failure, you know major stuff. Its like that scene in Legally Blonde when Elle is in her class and pulls out that that feathery pen and that little note pad to take notes with everyone else has a laptop. I have a feathery pen and everyone has a laptop.

But this just doesn't take away from the fact that I am so proud of myself I got myself out a situation which was horrid to say the least and was taking a toll on my mental state and professional ability and now I have a job which is pays amazing and will allow to be a person and not a slave. Just hopefully the nervous diarrhea wont soak through my Depends do you think Elle Woods wore Depends?

Some Days You Gotta Dance

2008-11-13T18:17:00.004-05:00

Are you ever so proud of yourself you just want to explode. Some big things maybe getting ready to happen but I'm just so happy for has happened today. Sorry to be so cryptic but thats all I can say right now I promise tomorrow with bring more info and treats. WOOHOO.

Time Management

2008-11-12T19:39:00.003-05:00

Hubs is out of town so in an effort not to waste time and effort, electricity, and to make full use of my laziness I ate a banana, some grapes, and string cheese for dinner. I have a ton of crap I need to be reading for work and I decided I needed to twitter, make my dog some chicken, twitter again, see how many pieces I could peel string cheese into(33 in case you were wondering), dust the living room, fold towels, twitter again, rearrange dvds, couple socks, change the dogs water,clean the kitchen floor and now as a last resort I'm telling you about all the crap I did that you don't give a flying monkey butt about just so I don't have to read yet. But now I'm out of stuff to say so I guess I really have to make a responsible choice for my future or at least find something good to watch on tv. If there was someone out in the hallway puking or having sex it would be just like college.

Hump Day

2008-11-12T14:11:00.004-05:00

Im instituting a new feature because I'm classy called Hump Day. You're smart figure it out. So here is the first installment. Richard Ruccolo who plays Jay on Rita Rocks. I think I probably wouldnt have started watching this show if it wasn't for Richard Ruccolo but now I like it. My love affair with him began many years ago when he was on Two Guys a Girl and Pizza Place. I am kinda ashamed to say once I blew off going on a date in high school so I could stay home and watch the very last episode because you got to vote what happened and I of course voted. Whats really sad is the boy I blew off looked somewhat like Richard Ruccolo so I shouldve probably just gone on the date instead of watching a fictional character on tv but ya know ya live ya learn. Ok anyway back to the task at hand. As a reminder of what a giant weirdo I was/am Richard Ruccolo is the first featured man of Hump Day. Happy Humping!

Two For Tuesday

2008-11-11T13:36:00.004-05:00

1) The Hubs has a really odd pants size I spent my whole lunch hour looking for pants for him. Hes a freak or incredibly normal so that everyone else wears the exact same size and there were no pants in his size to be had. Hmm now I'm intrigued.

2) Marshmallow creme is the oddest substance known to man. I had to use some for a recipe and I don't know if its a solid or a liquid and I don't know how to get it out of the jar. Basically it ended up all over me, the kitchen, and you guessed it the dog. I gave up on the recipe and ate marshmallow creme.

Superuterus to the Rescue

2008-11-10T17:03:00.004-05:00

All my sisters in law (is that right? like culs da sac? anyway) are super fertile and for awhile after I graduated the pressure was on hot and heavy for me to pop some out but the hubs nipped that in the bud and I think they are all scared now to even mention it. I think its great. They were all conversating about how if they all had as many kids as the mother ute and my niece was complaining she wanted someone to have another girl and no one even looked at me and I think this is spectacular. They are terrified of my reproductivity. I love it the absolute power. If I ever do squeeze one out they may die of shock I loves it. If I hold out a couple more years I bet I could get a car or something.

What Up Disney?

2008-11-10T12:44:00.005-05:00

Ok Disney Needs to Institute Some Sort of Slut Test. My niece already wants to wear a thong she doesnt need to see a bare butt cheetah girl or Miley Slutrus with her nips out or making out with some girl. And This cheetah girl had this crap on her personal computer I know but she was sending to Kim Karshadian's brother hello! Deja vu much? When you make your living singing annoying songs to little kids you cant stand around with your hind end out in a hotel room and take pictures of it I'm sorry thats the price you pay. You're making my niece a ho please stop and you give her major attitude and she does that head roll thing when talks and it takes a lot not to smack her face. I blame you and those awful bratz dolls. Stop being a slut. Thanks.

Marsha Marsha Marsha

2008-11-06T10:32:00.004-05:00

Its really no secret that I love Maureen McCormick. I have been eyeing her book since it came out but I feel conflicted. I have heard what its about and it kinda ruins Marsha Brady for me. I'm gonna let some geek slip out and tell you that I used to brush my hair 100 times every night because I wanted hair like Marsha, and then the hubby was like man all you do is brush your hair you never have time for me. No but really when I was like 6 years old I spent hours brushing my hair and I really wanted some awesome 70's outfits like Marsha. I even went as Marsha Brady for Halloween. My mom was horrified. I'm not sure that I can ruin that reading that Marsha was coked out and making out with Jan. It's like having a dream crushed. But I'm so nosey I feel like I have to at least peek at it.

Im Tired

2008-11-05T11:49:00.000-05:00

Robbed

2008-11-04T17:59:00.003-05:00

I was really looking forward to getting one of those little I voted stickers. I stood in line forever and didn't even get to stand in the booth I had to sit at a lunch table in the cafegymatorium and in the end there were no I voted stickers. I guess I have to settle for the satisfaction of being a good citizen.

Why November Will Be Scurvy Month

2008-11-01T17:59:00.005-04:00

Last year we had at least 250 kids come to the door to trick or treat. We ran out of candy at one point and I had to run out and buy more. Also our beautiful animal went bats*%t crazy everytime the doorbell rang after the first couple kids decided to come in the house when we didnt open the door fast enough. So this year I wanted it to be different I wanted the animal to be well-behaved and beautifully dressed and I didnt want to run out of candy.First I bought 3 of the largest bags of candy Ive ever seen probably about 5 lbs of candy all together. Next I premedicated the animal with a turkey pill so he would be calm like hed just eaten a large turkey dinner. Then after the pill had started to kick in I dressed the animal in his beautiful costume and began to wait. The hubby and I sat here for the two hours of trick or treat without one kid coming to the door. Now we are going to have to eat the three bags of candy we are left with plus the bag the hubby asked me to get for him in case we used the rest to make sure he would get some. So heres to rotten teeth, soft bones, and obesity, bring on the candy!!!

2008-10-31T14:57:00.003-04:00

I love it when a friend calls just when you need it and they have no idea just through that weird friend ESP and it doesnt make everything better but at least now its okay. I'm glad its Friday and that I have "my own personal Lorelei Gilmore"

ps I would just like to point out how much of a grown-up I'm being over here about all this.

A Ransom Note Of Sorts

2008-10-23T18:30:00.003-04:00

I work with sick kids all day every day so I basically bathe in germs I may as well just go out and lick the pavement in the parking lot. I wash my hands until they are raw resembling some sort of corn cobb sandpaper hybrid and I use so much purell I'm afraid if I get pulled over on the way home I may have an illegal blood alcohol level but its just a fact that I'm going to get sick at some point. The hubby went out town this week for work so this would be when I would get some biological warfare virus causing the flu to look like a free shopping spree through sephora but if youre gonna be a bear be a grizzly because I didnt just get this magical bug I also have pneumonia. Ive had nothing but cough drops to eat for two days partly because of the vomitting and partly because I cant get up, move my arms, or walk so with my cell dead location of my charger unknown, alone with the disease from Outbreak I just wanted human contact while the cough drops hold out.

Youve Got To Be Kidding!

2008-10-21T16:38:00.005-04:00

On any given day I'm 90% caffeine and much of that comes from coffee. Coffee is my homeboy its what makes me a person, its what allows me to allow others to walk around without fear for their lives. Somewhere around 11 coffee is replaced with coke zero and the cycle of life repeats again the next day.
I keep a jar where I empty the days change everyday. I plan one day to use this for a nice set of knockers. You might be wondering if Ive had a stroke or my brain has short circuited in some way because these two thoughts are not related. Well I didnt think they were either until I saw this : " Coffee Can Shrink Breasts, Study Finds Oct. 20) - Women who drink coffee as a pick-me-up might discover it keeps their breast size down. Even if smaller breasts aren't their cup of tea, there's a great tradeoff: a lower breast cancer risk.
"Drinking coffee can have a major effect on breast size," said Helena Jernström, an oncology researcher from Sweden's Lund University whose team discovered the connection. "

oh coffee how youve betrayed me so!

WOAH

2008-10-20T21:15:00.004-04:00

Very little in life shocks me anymore, I dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing but thats just the way it is. I love love love How I Met Your Mother and I have thought since last year that Stella is going to be the mother and Ive been so sad. I dont really like Stella and I want Ted to be with Robin. (you know since hes fictional and cant be with me) I have also been sad this season because Robin looks like Skeletor but thats beside the point. I just have to say I totally didnt see that coming, what does it all mean???? Im just astonished and now I have to wait until next week but way to go HIMYM for not being totally predictable you made my evening, which I'm sure was your highest priority.

wtf?

2008-10-18T13:13:00.005-04:00

I lost the remote and was watching The Hills Lost scenes. Not that I dont watch the Hills sometimes but theres a limit you know I mean an hour straight of this stuff and I find it hard to form complete sentences and feel the need to pick a fight with someone. I wasnt paying close attention because this show causes me to turn off the thinking part of my brain but I came to when there was a scene where Audrina shaved Laurens cat into these weird like pom pom legs,a lions mane, and bushytail, I know I know the show is fake but some poor animal had to be humiliated to provide "entertainment". I think whats worse is Im pretty sure she didnt do it herself so somewhere theres a place that offers this as a service? Someone thought hmm if only there was a way for people to make their cats legs more decorative..

Whos In Charge Here?

2008-10-16T14:15:00.005-04:00

Weve been babysitting the niece and nephew who are 11 and 15 for the past two days and when I say babysitting I mean Ive had two small slave children for the past two days. Ive decided if I could get two small, quiet, previously trained children like these then hells yeah sign me up. The nephew took out the trash, the neice folded laundry, they loaded the dishwasher, they put away groceries, the hubby doesnt even do most of this stuff. Of course the sister in law says they never do this at home and I have to be lying because theres just no way but maybe thats because we had ice cream and mountain dew for dinner and Im not sure my neice has washed her hair or brushed her teeth since shes been here and the nephew gets calls on his cell way past midnight. This is bound to come crashing down soon but they go home tonight. I must say this parenting thing is hard work and its really cutting in to my sitting around time.

So No One Told You Life Was Gonna Be This Way....

2008-10-15T22:27:00.003-04:00

Admit it you clapped in your head when you read the title didnt you? Anyways now that weve firmly established my geekiness for today, I would like to begin the ranting. One of my best friends texted me this morning and right as I got to work and when I saw it was her I rolled my eyes and thought now what. I felt a little guilty that I thought this but considering her track record its only natural. Im sure you have a friend like this. We have a great time together we can spend hours on the phone, I can talk to her about anything, and even if we havent talked for weeks we can pick up right where we left off and its fine but she will blow me off for a guy or even the hope of a guy everytime. I hate this. It makes my blood boil. She sent me a text a couple weeks ago saying she had strept throat and couldnt make our dinner date so I was bummed but let it slide the next night she sent me another and said she still wasnt feeling well. A week later she called and said she thought she had bronchitis and felt much worse and wanted to wait. A week after that she texted me and said her mom had to have surgery and she couldnt make it. Last week the guy vanished then boom I get the text this morning asking if I want to go out tonight or tomorrow. I already had plans and when I told her this she acted all hurt and like I must be some heartless bitch because I didnt coming running when she snapped. Weve been friends for years and I hate to drift completely apart but at what point are your friends just your friends because you were friends at one time and how much are you supposed to let your friends get away with and still be your friends?

Hello Major Disappointment Speaking

2008-10-14T14:27:00.003-04:00

My mom called my office today after calling my cell 3 times while I was in with a patient. I chose not to say oh hang on my mommy is calling I need to take this because I figured it was something insane like she wanted to know if I wanted large bags of Halloween candy, I was right. The receptionist came and got me out of a room I answered the phone and she was frantic and said you should identify yourself when you answer your business phone I said I knew it was you you asked for me mother, then I put her on hold then answered with the name of the office and said this major disappointment speaking, highly confused my mother was silent for second and then said asked what size Halloween costume do think the dog would wear extra small or small? I took a deep breath and then said mother whatever you think and I hung up. She immediately called my cell again and I answered and said mother do have any idea what I do all day? She said you are being very hateful and I am just trying to help you out and you are being awful. I said mother I am very sorry you are completely right I am awful you are wonderful please forgive me just buy whatever size you think but I have to go and I will call you later I am busy though I and I did not mean to be hateful please forgive me I am sorry thank you for trying to be helpful I talk to you later and I hung up and I turned around and one of bosses was standing there and she said yeah I have mother too.

82 y/o WM seeking annyoing brainless bimbo 18-30 y/o

2008-10-09T18:27:00.005-04:00

Im sad that Girls Next Door were sent packing. I really thought their love was true and real. I mean what about 3 plastic only slightly different looking blonde women with no discernible skills all dating the same 80 something year old man who is feeble, has to take his food everywhere with him, cackles like a senile old coot, and constantly parades naked ho's through his house doesnt scream that honest to goodness forever love. But I am somewhat intrigued to find out who the New Girls will be. I'm sure they were lining up, I mean what girl wouldnt want to live in house with a crotchety old sex perv who only wears pj's and gives you an allowance and curfew in return for well I dont even want to think about that. I just hope that whatever Mensa candidate gets picked doesnt parade her grandparents through the mansion this time, especially when theyre younger than Hugh Hefner, its just creepy.

VrooommMMMMM

2008-10-05T21:27:00.006-04:00

I love me some Jamie McMurray. MMMM. What a hot piece.

..But It Is A Really Popular Car...

2008-10-04T13:49:00.004-04:00

We went to the movies last night and the theater we went to almost always sells out so we went before to buy tickets. We ended up going to buy tickets at the time when another movie was ending so it was really crowded and being the kind, loving, sweet, sexy, gorgeous, oh sorry I got carried away, person that I am I volunteered to run in while everyone else waited in the car. So after an eternity of listening to some 12 year olds try to talk the 12 year old selling tickets into letting them into an R rated movie I finally purchased the tickets and headed for the door. I saw our car sitting in a spot right in front of the door and walked right out and opened the door and sat down except some guy was sitting in the drivers seat not the hubby,this was not our car. I could have died. Well not so much died as been murdered but still. I quickly said oh sorry this isn't my car and jumped out well in my rush I got my heel caught on something and fell forward and busted my ass and my knee and then closed the door. I was really hoping just this once the hubby and our friends hadn't seen this particular moment of genius but there they were all with big goofy grins. I went to go get in the right car this time and they were all hysterical. It was a very long evening and the movie wasn't even that good. I decided I shouldnt be allowed out unsupervised.

Vacay? No way!

2008-10-02T13:52:00.013-04:00

My mom left to go to the beach this morning and I am highly jealous well I would be if it wasnt for one tiny detail. The vacay gods have cursed our entire family to horrid vacations which make the Griswalds point and laugh, I mean bordering on like Dateline Investigations vacations. Once when I was in high school my entire family was going to the beach and we stopped half way to spend the night at some hotel just because it takes my family 10-12 hours longer than it does anyone else to drive anywhere on vacation. We were staying at some hotel where there was a wedding that night and it was the only entertainment anywhere around there that evening and lets face it as a family in general we are the nosiest people you'll ever meet so we decided to see what we could see. We headed down to "workout" and for some reason my mom decided to wear her "good" nightgown, you know with the hole in the boob and sweat pants and a hoodie, you know really try to blend in with the wedding guests. Anyways my mom, aunt, cousin and I were using the machines and by that I mean peeking next door at the reception and fighting about what should be on the tv but still to make the effort legit my mom hops on the treadmill and is speed walking like a mofo when the guests start gathering outside the door waiting to get in the reception. All of a sudden my mom jumps off the treadmill and runs to the corner and pukes in a fake plant, we were all completely horrified, then burst into hysterical laughter from pure shock. In fact my aunt laughed so hard she started peeing and we decided to leave because the puke,pee, and sweat smell was vomit inducing itself but now we have to make our way thru some wedding guests with Pampers and Upchuck in toe. My mom kept everyone in both rooms up all night worrying we were going to be asked to leave because she ralphed in the plant and my aunt had urinary incontinence issues on the bike. We never go on any trip with her now without checking to make sure that there is a gym and without premedicating her with pepto.

Sometimes I even Amaze Myself

2008-09-30T18:21:00.003-04:00

After this weekends shopping fiasco I decided we should take another stab at this weeks grocery list I mean not that Captain Crunch and pop tarts don't help me fit into my pants but the truth is yeah they don't. When I turned 23 God said alright your done, it shall be nothing but ex-lax and lettuce for you my child but that's another story best saved for another day. Anyways we are always seeing these big pouches that have a giant pickle in them. I love pickles we have a friend that owns a Subway and I requested a cookie bag full of pickles and I ate entire bag full of pickles one day until my tongue was sore. (yes I know I just said I ate pickles until my tongue was sore because I'm classy like that) So I always want to try one of these giant sour pickles and the hubby always says really? a pickle in pouch? I really don't think that's a good idea because I think those are the same ones that have been sitting there since we've been coming here. Today I decided was the day no man was standing in my way I was having a giant sour pickle. Let me just say I have eaten some truly disgusting things and this was by far the most disgusting thing I have ever had in my mouth and considering my high school days well never mind. I insisted on opening it in the car because well, who am I kidding I'm a 5 year old. The smell of this thing just about gagged me but with hubby looking on there was no out I took a deep breath and prepared for the worst. It was way beyond my worst expectations. I leaned out the car window to rid my nose and mouth of this atrocity while the hubby cackled uncontrollably. We finally pulled over at a gas station so I could throw away the remainder of the pickle and then rode in silence the rest of the way home. Even though the hubby grinned like a mad man and still cant look directly at me without bursting into laughter.

Because I Always Let You Know Before My Bday Too...

2008-09-28T20:48:00.002-04:00

PS gifts are totally appropriate :o)

Are you new here?

2008-09-27T21:57:00.004-04:00

So the hubby and I have been married for over three years now, in that time he has been grocery shopping with me at least 100 times. We almost always buy the same things with a few minor variations. With this in mind today while I lay dieing on the couch with strep throat he offered to go to the store and I agreed, thinking surely he could handle this. My fever ravaged body was surely insane at this point but I sat there thinking what a wonderful man to offer to do this chore. I tried to make this as pain free as possible and I made a list as I thought in my head aisle by aisle shelf by shelf which way he would go writing things down in painful detail. Colors names numbers locations descriptions, Helen Keller could have found what we bought with my list if only it was in Braille. So the hubby set out list in hand and I took a swig of NyQuil and closed my eyes and thought about why I thought it was a smart decision to take a job in pediatrics. 15 minutes later the first call came in then five minutes later another then a text then another call then another text then a call and I decided it would just be easier to stay on the phone. But no big deal at least we got what we needed or so I thought. Willy Wonka has nothing on the hubby. Our normal list was replaced with every 6 year old's fantasy of chocolate chip cookies, cakesters, frozen pizza, french fries, pop tarts, various sugary cereals, ice cream, and mountain dew. Oh some apples were purchased but they were baking apples. Oh well I guess its the gesture of love that matters!!

Married life teaches one invaluable lesson: to think of things far enough ahead not to say them. ~Jefferson Machamer

Tough Life Decisions

2008-09-25T13:07:00.002-04:00

I have been waiting all summer long for the return of the Office and Grey's. I have longingly watched dvds of old episodes and passed the time with webisodes but tonight is the night I have been waiting for. Especially since my mom had to, you know, snap her foot off the night of the last episodes last season. I have possibly a million things I need to get done today but I'm spending all day trying to decide which one to watch and which to Tivo. I know not many people have to make such life altering decisions but I just cant bare to think about the disapproving glares of my Dwight and Michael bobbleheads atop the tv while I watch Greys. Either way I'm so happy they're back!!!

SCORE

2008-09-21T14:15:00.003-04:00

We had to get up at the crack of dawn this morning because the hubby smashed his hand with a this tool he fashioned (a 5lb sledge hammer with a regular length handle). The up and down side of the medical profession is that you sometimes know who you should and shouldnt see as a Dr. Well a shouldnt was on call last night so we had to truck it to the local Doc-n-Box first thing this morning. Well after hours of convincing him that no it was not ok that this thumb was now 3 inches around, and no black is not a good color for the tip of your finger to have turned and when your knuckle is sideways on your finger it wont just be okay he agreed to get up first thing so we didnt spend all day sitting there. I was irritated anyways for other reasons and getting up at 6 this morning just set it off. When we finally left there I was just plain mad and really didnt want to stop at CVS but we had to get a script filled and I needed shampoo so in I went and THERE IT WAS!!!! Laying in the discount DVD bin was Sex and the City the Movie!!!! It's not supposed to be out until Tuesday and its Sunday and it was on Sale!!!!! I snatched it up wildly like a hungry animal vying for food and kept it closely guarded like someone would see it and realize this was totally a mistake and put them back until Tuesday. I went to check out and not a word was said I nearly jumped up and clicked my heels midair in the parking lot on the way to the car. Once safely locked in the car I looked around and then quietly whispered to the hubby look what I found, and produced it from the bag. He gave me a look like yeah so and I gleefully explained to him that I had an illegal early copy of Sex and The City which was not only illegal and early it was on sale as well. He rolled his eyes and said can we go home rulebreaker? I know it was not much but it was certainly exciting to me because Im cool like that. So I'm going to go watch my DVD and all you haters can wait til Tueday!! WOOHOO!!

To the Car I Love

2008-09-20T16:01:00.006-04:00

Dear 2009 Dodge Challenger,

Oh how I love you 2009 Dodge Challenger. Even though you kinda look like the General Lee. Even though there is almost as little room inside of you as the cracker box I currently own (aka the rav aka the biggest piece o s*%t Toyota ever created) I doubt you can touch all 4 windows at the same time so Im good. Even though there is no way I could drive you in any inclement weather. Alas Dear vehicle we cant be together you see my hubby would steal you and turn you into some loud overpowered monster that I would never get to drive much less want to. I'm sorry about this but see I kinda took these wedding vows which trump my love for you. I promise that I will always hold a sweet place in my heart for you and that I will gaze longingly at you from afar but please dont be angry because if my hubby asks I will have to deny my love for you.

Love Always,

A Disheartened Rav4 Owner

Have A Good Laugh

2008-09-18T18:03:00.001-04:00

Because I just want to crawl into bed..thats what she said

http://ummyeah.com/page/Every_Single_thats_What_She_Said_From_The_Office

enjoy!

I like pink but this is over the top

2008-09-09T22:31:00.005-04:00

Yeah so Im supposed to start seeing patient at 9 am and I have raging I mean RAGING pink eye. The whole left side of my face is swollen. I think I may have glaucoma, I am never able to have them do that test where they blow air in your eye. I always blink and eventually the girl doing it gets mad and says yeah I cant do this if your going to close your eye. I really think that its involuntary I mean I know a big puff of air is coming. I think they should mix up the machines so I dont know its coming. Either way my eye looks like I've been foxy boxing and I know I wouldnt want a foxy boxer taking care of my kid. This is going to be great I'm an idiot and my face is jacked up.

OMG you guys

2008-09-09T18:08:00.004-04:00

Tomorrow is the first day I have my own patients. My boss told me yesterday that I would just have a handful of patients to start with which was a relief and an insult in one, like thank god, and yeah sorry I'm an idiot. I'm really confused as to whether to be excited or scared. The hubby looked at me today and said well you knew this day would come eventually, you only went to school for this for seven years. While this is totally true its not the comforting, compassionate advice I was looking for. This is going to be a long rest of the week. I guess it good that they already know ahead of time that I'm slow and special, its nice to keep the expectations low, harder to disappoint that way.

"Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell 'em, Certainly, I can! Then get busy and find out how to do it." Teddy Roosevelt

Superskim.. Superchest

2008-09-08T16:35:00.004-04:00

I have long thought that I am adopted, yes I look like pictures of my mom when she was my age but I am lacking in one area which is very prominent in my family. My mom wears a double D, my aunt wears a D and she has had a pound taken out of each of the girls, my cousin wears a D and my grandma wears an H yes I said an H cup. I barely fill up a sad A cup. If you saw a picture of my torso you may not be able to discern the front from back. I think something is very wrong. I have tried various things to compensate but nothing has helped. Yesterday though my mom was talking about some article she read that claimed that Superskim milk was loaded with hormones which make the girls increase in size. I have been a strict light soymilk girl for some time now but I thought I would give it try. So I bought a half gallon of superskim and chugged away last night. I woke up this morning hoping to resemble Dolly Parton sadly this wasnt the case but I guess I will give it a few days. Somehow though I think I will live forever being able to buy training bras, I guess mine are just slow and havent figured out what they are being trained to do.

"Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater." ~Bette Davis, about Jayne Mansfield

Is it me or is it stressful in here?

2008-09-07T14:52:00.004-04:00

The past couple days have been a total blurring whirly mess. My grandma that raised me (well I say raised like she doesnt continue to do that on a daily basis) is a strong willed tough ol broad that doesnt really ever go to the doctor and never stops helping other people who need her. She's so busy taking care of other people she doesnt take good care of herself. She decided to go to the doctor last week and he decided she needed a cardiac cath but she didnt want to tell anyone so that left my poor little grandpa to have to take the fall and leak the news to us but this didnt happen until the night before. She showed up at 9:00 am that morning with her little pink lipstick on just smiling away like nothing, like we were going out to eat or going shopping. She was eerily calm but my grandpa sobbed and sniffled all morning. I felt like my head may burst it was too much like 2 months ago with my father in law. After we sat there for what seemed like days the surgeon finally came out to tell us that she had to have open heart surgery. I felt like someone had knocked the air out of me. My poor little grandpa looked like hed been shot and he sobbed quietly while the surgeon continued to explain things to us. He told us that she could have had a stent in two arteries but there was one that he couldnt place a stent in because it had a sharp bend in it and was now very very small. I was now scared for her and for myself because I have that same sharp artery and was told when I was in 5th grade when I had a chest xray one day this artery would have to be repaired. A few minutes later she came back upstairs groggy but still wearing her pink lipstick we told her what would have to happen and she was okay with it but she still wanted to go home before surgery because she had tickets to a concert the next night and she wanted to go. We told her they wouldnt let her go home because they knew she wouldnt come back. The next day we found out her surgery would be at 8 the next morning. We were all anxious and it seemed like just minutes from that time to 4 am when we all piled into the car to head to the hospital to visit with her before surgery. She again was eerily calm, grandpa was still crying, and my sister and I were unable to look at her or grandpa without crying. Suddenly it was time to take her to surgery we all kissed and hugged and then made our way to the waiting room where my aunt ate compulsively, my sister slept, my mom compulsively called people from her cell, and I was nausous for hours until finally they told us the doctor was ready to talk to us. I literally felt fight or flight kick in I couldnt sit still I was sweating and my heart was thumping. It must have been 20 minutes before he finally showed up and he was smiling so I knew it was ok. We were allowed to visit for 30 minutes every four hours. The first visit she had a ventilator tube down her throat and she was not very alert. I knew she was going to be on a vent and I knew it was going to make me sick. I saw my mom on the vent when she had cancer and I passed out. I went in there and the same thing was starting to happen everything went white and I barely made it to a chair but I kept it together and managed not to crack my head open on the ICU floor. We went back to waiting room and waited 4 hours until we could see her again the next time we went in she was alert but still had the tube she was begging us to take it out, and she was gagging and throwing up I couldnt bare to see it. I could feel the tears start forming and I felt so sick and sweaty I didnt think I would be able make it to the chair to sit down but I did. I cried the entire four hours until we could go in again. The next visit she had the tube out. I felt relieved. When we finally made it home I felt like I had run a marathon. I was asleep before I actually layed down. The next morning she was sitting up in a chair in ICU talking and carrying on like she always does and a few hours later she was put in a regular room. She even sat and watched a football game yelling and fighting with the tv. She's doing really well now and I feel like the exhaustion stage of stress has set in. I just want to sleep curled up a ball.

The incredible shrinking loveseat

2008-09-02T14:16:00.005-04:00

For some unknown reason our loveseat had uneven legs probably because it was old and tired and furniture being like your grandma it starts to shrink with age. Ok so I really have no clue what happened to it but it was super annoying to sit on because it wobbled. I suggested we just take the legs off and go with it but the hubby being a manly Bob Vila type wanted to even the legs out. I could see this was gonna go bad fast. (We once had to screw our back door closed when he tried to "fix it") So you know I was scared and by scared I mean I went and sat on the other couch and criticized the efforts while I watched tv. So he started out pretty good and then somehow one of the back legs was too short and now the love seat was more like a giant rocking chair less like a loveseat. So like 6 hours of sweating, cussing, measuring, remeasuring, standing in different places to "get a good look" later the hubby had evened all the legs to nonexistent. I really wanted to laugh at our new legless mini loveseat but its so small and tiny and I was afraid the hubby might take into me with the large handful of tools he was still holding. I seriously think we should have our own home improvement show, like Frank and Marie Barone with tools.
We'll call it Are You Sure You Should Cut That? and the Subtitle would be Is There Anyone You Could Call That Actually Knows How To Do This?

"I'm picturing what it's like every time you renovate. There's a big hole in the wall and two paramedics." "First of all, I'll make no holes in the wall, and you know what? It might be kinda cool to see Dave and Biff again"- Home Improvement

Whats Happening Hotstuff

2008-09-01T19:54:00.004-04:00

I went to the ATM this morning in running shorts and a tshirt with no makeup and a hairstyle the hubby has deemed the rooster 'do. I normally never do this because this is like the batsignal calling everyone I have ever met to show up where ever I am. This morning though it was eerily quiet and I felt a little weird even being out like something was wrong and everybody knew not to be out but me because of course I had been watching Gilmore Girls on dvd rather than the news. When I got to the ATM there was already someone there and so I was waiting my turn and I was sexually harassed even though I looked like something the puppy coughed up and there was no one else out so I felt like I surely going to be attacked because I have seen that episode of Oprah where whatever expert said listen to your internal voice, that gut feeling saying hey run you have new shoes at home you haven't worn yet it would be a shame to be knocked on the head and thrown in someones trunk. So I reach for my phone which of course I had left at home and I thought wow yeah so I hope someone cool plays me in the lifetime movie this is playing out to be. But the weirdo just stood there saying obscene things at me until I finished and sped away and now I'm thinking how great it makes the rest of the day when you think you're going to be sliced and diced first thing in the morning.

Not So Safe

2008-08-29T23:07:00.006-04:00

We went to a local fair and I had talked the hubby into riding the shady carnival rides by some miracle. I think I come from descendants of carnies or something I loves me some carnivals and the hubby hates them with the white hot intensity of a 1000 suns but he begrudgingly went because some of our friends were going. So there we were and my excitement was at an all time high it was great standing there waiting in line to get on the Ferris wheel and then a very large piece of it fell off. It was just a light or something it wasn't like the basket people were sitting in or anything but when your getting ready to get on a piece of rickety equipment operated by a man with missing fingers, misspelled tattoos and "somer teeth" (somer here somer not) you really want all the pieces to stay attached. So I'm pretty sure the hubby will never agree to ride another carnival ride again.

"All of us are born with an instinctive set of fears, fear of the dark fear of falling, fear of lobsters, fear of falling of falling on lobsters in the dark, or speaking before the Rotary Club, and the words some Assembly Required"

Mad About You or Dr. Phil, either way...

2008-08-26T16:14:00.005-04:00

PAUL Do you have a motto, yourself?
JAMIE "Never marry anyone more neurotic than yourself."-
"Sofa's Choice", Mad About You

Have you ever seen the episode of Mad About You where they buy a sofa and Paul liked it but didnt want to buy it because it was called a loveseat? and her friend Fran dropped by the store just to see it?... more everyday I think we maybe Paul and Jamie..... well in the first two seasons anyways...

It'll All Come Out In The Wash

2008-08-24T21:59:00.002-04:00

The Hubby lead a very privileged life before we were married. His mommy did his laundry and most other chores so while this was great for him it was not so great for me. He had a very steep learning curve for laundry and most other chores. We ended up with some very interesting colored towels and I ended up throwing away some pots and pans after an ill advised cooking experiment. After deciding that it was easier for me to just do laundry myself than look like Stacy and Clinton were going to bust out from behind something to take me away for wearing shrunken, speckled, faded or mildewed clothes I had to get used to the very interesting way the hubby undressed. I myself take off my clothing one piece at a time and I was unaware that it could be done any other way. He however in an effort apparently to save time or space or just as a challenge to himself he takes off his pants underwear and socks as one piece. I know they are not connected when he is wearing them but somehow in the process of undressing he manages jump out of his socks pants and underwear simultaneously so they stay together. I have been completely mystified by this since I took over his care and feeding several years ago and I still have not managed to figure this one out. If anyone has any thoughts on this please let me know. PS it also makes it interesting if I don't reach in to disassemble this before washing because he will go to work sometimes with an extra pair of undies or socks still attached to his pants.

RIP Barbie Loves Ken Bag

2008-08-22T16:34:00.004-04:00

My pretty pretty oh so pretty hot pink bag was a casualty of today. I took it to work took my crap out and zipped it up. When I went back it wouldnt unzip I then had to get three people to try to unzip it and still nothing. After a few more attempts I decided that with my keys safely zipped inside I would either need to get a new vehicle or cut the bag open. After quite some thought I grabbed some sciccors and cut carefully along the zipper hopping maybe a new one could be attached. I felt sick and like I had assaulted a member of my family. Then i retrieved my keys and somenly shuffled to my car. Bonus: then I backed into a dumpster in the parking lot. There is a small dent in the bumper but I was more upset about the bag, the hubby was not.

"I love this car! It goes with my outfit" Carrie Bradshaw

Puppygate

2008-08-20T18:34:00.004-04:00

I had a fabulous first day at work. They like to goof around, my boss bought everyone lunch (which i think is a regular occurence.) People were nice and I didnt do hardly any weird or embarassing things. I wasnt anxious I didnt want to run screaming out the door I just really had a good day. Then it went to hell. I got a call from ex boss who tried to shame me and make me feel guilty, he then left somewhat of a threatening voicemail after my phone died. My head started to hurt as I continued driving home you know one of those lovely skull crushing migraines where youre sure you either have a tumor, an aneurysm, and or your brain is trying to escape from your skull and your sucky sucky life. I pull up at home and my dog isnt sitting on the kitchen table ( I know your thinking thats a good thing but its really not) We leave in the kitchen with the puppy gate up during the day and when he hears us coming he jumps up onto the table to see out the window. ) I know youre thinking thats a good thing but its not. I get closer to the door and see the dog sitting on the couch. I thought the hubby was home already and had let the dog out but I got inside and the puppy gate was still up with my puppy on the opposite side sitting on the couch just hanging out looking at me like what? what id do? Then I searched and searched and searched for ways in which houdini has managed to spend all day roaming around the house without disturbing the gate and I'm sad to say I still have no clue. My head hurts Im tired Im hungry Im pissed off and now Ive been outwitted by my 3lb puppy.
Then the door bell began to ring I went to the door and no one was there so I closed the door. A few seconds later it ran again, I was still almost touching the door knob so I jerked it open and still no one, then I came in started across the living room and it started ringing again and this time is was one loooooooooooonnnnnnnnnggggggggggg riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg. My 100 year old door bell is stuck. I think I might run away.

YAY....boo

2008-08-16T05:45:00.003-04:00

I got a job!!...and a let down migraine, somewhat similar to the post-finals migraine of PA school. Neighbors decided this was the perfect opportunity to cut their grass for hours on end, and the hubby seemed to have gotten the urge to throw forks in the garbage disposal every 5-10minutes all night long and the dog found renewed love for barking at his own shadow.

"The fire sirens from way outside are crowning queen of migraine town"

The Yard Yacht and Limo

2008-08-14T18:25:00.005-04:00

We are living here rent free for the moment while looking for a house, that being said, you get certain things when you live somewhere rent free. First and foremost, Scummy McMullet and his family have moved in next door. They have moved in when some elderly relative died and now 40-50 of them live there and they have about 10-15 pets which would be fine but their house is about 1000 square feet. Ok well its small I have no idea how small and I have no idea how many of them there are mainly because I run to and from the house now in hopes that they dont see me or talk to me. (its working because they told the hubby they've never seen me hahaha). They have several kids and large dogs which roll around in the mud and then go into the house and I'm not sure either has ever bathed. They also either have run out of room in their house what with all the people and animals or have decided to proudly display all their crap on their porch as well because its now covered. (My sister in law came to pick me up to go to the movies after all the crap appeared and asked if they were having a yard sale!!!) But I came home today and saw this the white trash status symbol to beat all others thats right the yard yacht and limo. We have to move immediately!!

Oops I Did It Again

2008-08-14T09:40:00.006-04:00

Yeah I think Britney Spears and I are diametrically opposed. When shes at her lowest I'm at my highest and vice versa. Well ok, I exaggerate but I watched EOnline last night about how shes got her crap together as I cried and ate a bag of sour patch kids then cried cause I ate a bag of sour patch kids and then furiously paid tribute to Tony Little and Gazelled furiously for 2 hours. I hope I get this get job I'm interviewing for today. I don't think my husband would like this very much.

"But, but I’m disturbed…I’m depressed…I’m inadequate: I got it all" - George Costanza

Happy Bday Baby!

2008-08-13T10:59:00.003-04:00

The hubby cant eat red meat well he shouldn't eat red meat and he does every so often and the results are sorta like the first few minutes of Saving Private Ryan! I found the perfect birthday cake for him since he constantly whines about wanting hamburgers. I'm not sure that these are any better for you since I consumed a third of one and had icing sweats but I know they aren't really doing any for his primal manly meat cravings but I'm only one woman for now I'll put him in a sugar coma.

"Food: Part of the spiritual expression of the French, and I do not believe that they have ever heard of calories."Beverley Baxter

You're Getting Very Very Sleepy

2008-08-12T18:09:00.001-04:00

Its been a long day for everyone

Work It Work It Own It

2008-08-12T13:37:00.000-04:00

I had a lunch meeting with a future employer which I was already not looking forward to. The hubby made this worse! I was asked to go to a very ritzy country club around here with this doctor to discuss the specifics of this job. I at first thought this was awesome then when the mental picture of me with this very old Indian man in the middle of the afternoon in the country club set in I was freaked. I had one very specific thought which my husband then vocalized. I told him I didn't want to go and he told me I needed to go it would be good for me. I had never been in the world of high class call girls before. Yeah that was the thought. I really didn't want to go I hate eating in front of people I hate small talk I hate discussing money I hate awkwardness and this was encompassing all of these things. But I went it wasn't that bad and I might have a kick ass new job!! (as a PA not Julia Roberts hookery character from pretty woman)

"Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels"-Faith Whittlesey