Revenge is Sweet and Not Fattening

Ok bitch watch your back. Im on to your two faced games. Your not as smart as you think you are and your days are numbered. Ive never been one to let someone get away with making me miserable you'll regret this in the end one way or another. It may take me some time but bitch I'll get you. Does anyone have any ideas for exacting revenge?

A List

I'm stealing this from another blog....

I cant:

- force myself to go to bed a decent time
- keep my closet organized for longer than a week
- stop drinking coke zero
- pass up a great pair of shoes
- not text my girls multiple times a day about nothing while Im bored at work
- make meringue

I can:

- tell you the calorie content of most foods
- usually get my boss out of bad mood with a flirty smile
- coordinate my outfit and accessories precisely right down to pen color
- turn anything into a Friends or Gilmore Girl reference
- go to any length to justify not cleaning
- bake almost anything
- entertain myself way to easy

I wont:

- continue to be scared about what happens next
- let laundry pile up
- go for a long time without talking to my girls just because we live far apart now
- continue to be unhappy because its easier than making waves

I will:
- try to eat better, exercise more to keep myself happy and healthy
- look for the best in the situation
- figure out what it is that will make me happy and stop putting it off
- budget my time better
- always love a great laugh

I shouldnt:
- be paralyzed by what others think of me
- be critical of myself over everything
- cry or yell more than I laugh and smile
- put myself last
- make lists of things that will never get accomplished
- waste energy on things that are petty and stupid
- check TMZ, facebook, or perez hilton everday

I should:

- listen more
- relax
- procrastinate less
- learn to let go
- read more
- be nicer to my mother
- strive for organization

Here I am

I havent disappeared. I just havent felt like blogging lately Ive been in a funk with nothing particularly interesting to say. I get up, go to work do my bosses job for him get hit on by him come home do every single bit of housework around here and then workout and go to bed so I can get up at 5 am and start all over. I did have a girls weekend escape recently which was much needed. Our hotel room was overpriced though seeing as how it was like staying in a homeless persons ass. So yeah but we got two free drinks every night so it was overlooked. We also discovered jewelerly making and dropped about 200,000 beads in the carpet in the room so I'm sure we screwed them out of a sweeper at least. I just wanted to say hi I'm here.

Things that have happened since I last posted

1) I have added additional items to my Murtagh list
a) I am to old to make dumb mistakes with household chores like burning a hole in my carpet with the vaccuum.

b) I am to old to drive somewhere and be so aimlessly lost that I have to call someone and describe what I see around me.

c) I am to old to zone out everytime someone discusses something financial.

2)I have become the official slave at work. The other provider has decided not to work and I have bore the brunt of this. I'm sick of it. I came home and went to sleep at 9:00 pm all this week out of sheer exhaustion.

So in conclusion:

Ive been a sleep deprived and overworked to the point where Ive become a dumbass and burnt a hole in the carpet, driven around lost, and zoned out during conversation.
Whats new with you?

my murtaugh list

Im too old for this shit


I religiously watch How I Met Your Mother. This past week featured the Murtaugh list, from Lethal Weapon, the list of shit Ted's getting to old to do. I think this came a perfect time seeing as how it came a week after my 25th for the 2nd time birthday. You see I'm not getting any older than 25. Anyhow here is my own personal Murtaugh list thus far.

1) Eating an entire bag of sour patch kids, hot tamalaes, or M&Ms
2) Staying up all night before having to work the next morning
3) Hanging out at the mall with no real purpose
4) Doing laundry at my parents house
5) Eating cereal for every meal
6) Not owning real furniture
7) Having a haircolor which cannot be found in nature

?

well it finally happened i broke the gazelle, you know the tony little exercize piece of equipment, it probably had literally over 200,000 miles on it. i wore through heavy steel to make a complete hole in a steel beam, that ladies and gents takes some dedication and talent if i do say so myself. i think tony should spring for lipo for those last 10 lbs seeing as how i managed to break steel with my legs. dont you agree?

At least I entertain myself

its endlessly funny to me that someone found my blog searching for Big Butt Kardashian. LOL hahahaha that it the funniest thing ive heard all day. Also marsha brady outfits, and planned teen pregnancy. Wow winners all around.

now what?

spring was finally starting to drop hints its may be arriving like a junior high girl crushing hard but then came the snow and 20 degree temps. then i got the flu. wtf? i got a frickin flu shot and i use so much purelle i probably have an illegal blood alcohol level come days end how did i get the flu, not to mention shouldnt we be done with flu season already? so im in a funk im not capitalizing anything, i dont have anything in particular i want to write about, i dont have anything in particular i want to do, i feel blah. spring where are you?

I totally forgot until just now when I was mindlessly channel surfing looking for something that is way less than mentally taxing to watch how much I love Beth dog the Bounty Hunters wife. I mean really. Big curly dyed blonde hair, big torpedo boobs, big fake nails, lots of makeup, big stripper shoes. I think shes my shero. Actually i think ive worked too much this week.

Shortbus captain?

Do you ever get so tired you just burst into laughter, like crazy manical laughter where you cant stop and maybe even snort? Yeah I totally did today at work.... nice. I was super tired and I was getting punchy and I was telling a mildly funny story and couldnt even finish because I couldnt catch my breath and had tears coming out of my eyes. I guess half the unit heard me...nice. I guess crazy laughter at work though is better than crying right?

Umm WHAT?

Ive been known to talk very quickly, especially if I get worked up about something or Im in a hurry, when this happens I tend to mumble. I was dictating something for a chart at work and apparently the person transcribing it couldnt figure out what I said my name was which created a cute new nickname for me with my boss. I left him a note and signed it with the nickname because well Im always looking for a way to suck up. Anyways he read the note and said if you werent married and I wasnt married Id kiss you! WHAAAATTT????!!!!!!! I made no comment or eye contact and stood completely still until it was over.

This week Blows Ass

We were supposed to get a kick ass new episode of How I Met Your Met Mother on Monday, instead there was a rambling boring presidental speech fail #1

Tuesday I decided I had enough my new bc pills and I was taking my life back from constant headaches, nausea, and the worst acne I have had since 8th grade and I stopped the MFers and immediately started my period again for the second time this month fail #2

Tuesday we also had a watermain break and lost water wtf? fail #3

Tuesday water returned and I took a shower was in the said shower when the MIL called to tell me we had a boil advisory " honey dont even brush your teeth with it" So im guessing covering your body with it is probably out to? fail#4

Wednesday its like 70 degrees freakin awesome then we have a tornado and lose power if your keeping score at home we have had no power and no water within two days I now think I qualify as living in a third world country. Fail #5

The interstate was shutdown for hours I watched a stoplight literally blow off and seriously considered trying to pee into a dasani bottle but didnt know how to work out the mechanics without ruining the interior of my new car. Fail #6

When I finally made it home the dog had been in the dark for hours and had gone apeshit crazy and decided to see how many rooms he could poo in but I didnt catch on because it was pitch black and being pitch black makes it harder to find 1) a flash light and 2) random piles of poo so I stumbled around trying to find my flash light and cursing and using my cell phone for light and step in at least 4 piles of dog diarrhea in my socks then bare feet, awesome I know your jealous. Fails #'s 7,8,9,10

I contemplated just closing the door and leaving and letting the dog have the house and letting the hubs and the dog figure it out later but I was covered dog shit and I couldnt find my keys and was sobbing by this point and I already knew I couldnt pee in the dasani bottle so this weeks gotta get better right?

My quarterlife crisis comes full circle

Well I bought a frickin sports car in the middle of a snowstorm. Its orange, it sounds like a racecar and resembles the general Lee. If I tanned a little climbed on the hood and added paypal to the bitch I could make extra cash. I'm not real sure what came over me. I have never been the throw caution to the wind gal I'm the one who plans everything, Im the one who does the assigned reading and get a jumpstart on the rest of the book. I make planned calculated decisions with spreadsheets and flowcharts and dont get me wrong I cut loose but I plan it and scheduled and the work is done first. But none of that happened this time. I just walked into a dealership and said I want that orange bitch and bought it after I had totally planned on buying a sensible ford edge in sensible off white. Then as punishment god said let there be snow and snowed 4 feet for 2 weeks.

So I think the lesson here is clear listen chica dont step one toe over that spontaneous line, dont think about having fun, throwing caution to the wind, bitch o or you will be punished.

5 simple Blessings

I saw this post on another blog and decided to participate

5 Simple Things Im Thankful for Today

1) Coke zero espeically fountain coke zero, I asked for fountain zero for my house for christmas but that I guess will have to wait until next year.
2) Amazing gas heat
3) TV on dvd
4) Days off
5) The swiffer wet jet

a couple random things

1) Jennifer Garner had her baby but didn't release the name, good for her. All I have done since hearing this is wonder what the baby's name is and check the Internet every 15 minutes to see if its been posted yet.

2) We are never going to find a house. Everything is crap, Realtors use photoshop when posting pics of houses on the Internet to get your hopes up, this should stop.

3) I wisely sidestepped being part of a public scandal. This is very unlike me. I will be the first one to tell you I thrive in drama. I am proud of myself even if I inadvertently avoided it.

A few random things...

I have been a really crappy blogger lately. Sorry I suck lets move on. I have accumulated lot of hostile ramblings over my extended absence.

1) The ho bag lady that schedules me is obviously trying to kill me by scheduling me almost every single day for 10 hours a day for when we have some the sickest patients and when I have some of the worst PMS and when I have simultaneous stomach virus/strep throat. I am working 60 hours back to back so I will probably call or at the very least spend one of these days locked in the bathroom sobbing.

2) There too shows that are on Monday nights now. I am forced to be a hermit on Mondays and now that more stuff is starting on Monday and since I have this crazy thing called ya know work that interferes with evening routine I feel like Monday tv is going to lop over into Tuesday.

3) There is a full on pregnancy epidemic. I still have 3 hold outs who havent given there ut's to the fad but everywhere I look there it is. I feel like my eggs are drying up. But I mean c'mon Ive got Britney Spears tickets in March and its not like you could go to a Britney Spears concert all knocked up. Well you probably could....


Anyways thats enough ramblings for now heres hoping everyone having a great 2009 so far, youre not working too much, your not sick/PMSing, and your not being sucked in by the mommies or mm congrats your pregnancy!

I Love It

I have to say that I love finding the absolute perfect gift for someone. I will spend a painful amount of time searching for just the right gift and just the right presentation that matches not only the gift but the person. The hubby is anal about making sure the corners are pointy on the wrapping paper but he would wrap everyones presents in newspaper. He uses way too much tape and he uses no ribbons. The wrapping process ends up being very stressful but I love having the right present with the right wrapping paper giving someone a beautiful present that you know they will love is great. I love it.

WTF

I'm stealing this from another blog because I really believe the key to the advancement of the human race is knowledge so everyone should know about this.

So this is incredible to me. There is obviously some alcohol involved its pictured there to the right but ginormous amount that would have caused this should have caused their drunk naked asses to fall off the bridge. Also someone took a picture of this but it didnt tie up traffic? This person must not have any friends. Also this gutter slut took time to have a nice cig and a conversation on top of this loser after. Ahh love.

Some Days You Gotta Dance

Are you ever so proud of yourself you just want to explode. Some big things maybe getting ready to happen but I'm just so happy for has happened today. Sorry to be so cryptic but thats all I can say right now I promise tomorrow with bring more info and treats. WOOHOO.

Two For Tuesday

1) The Hubs has a really odd pants size I spent my whole lunch hour looking for pants for him. Hes a freak or incredibly normal so that everyone else wears the exact same size and there were no pants in his size to be had. Hmm now I'm intrigued.

2) Marshmallow creme is the oddest substance known to man. I had to use some for a recipe and I don't know if its a solid or a liquid and I don't know how to get it out of the jar. Basically it ended up all over me, the kitchen, and you guessed it the dog. I gave up on the recipe and ate marshmallow creme.