Sometimes I even Amaze Myself

After this weekends shopping fiasco I decided we should take another stab at this weeks grocery list I mean not that Captain Crunch and pop tarts don't help me fit into my pants but the truth is yeah they don't. When I turned 23 God said alright your done, it shall be nothing but ex-lax and lettuce for you my child but that's another story best saved for another day. Anyways we are always seeing these big pouches that have a giant pickle in them. I love pickles we have a friend that owns a Subway and I requested a cookie bag full of pickles and I ate entire bag full of pickles one day until my tongue was sore. (yes I know I just said I ate pickles until my tongue was sore because I'm classy like that) So I always want to try one of these giant sour pickles and the hubby always says really? a pickle in pouch? I really don't think that's a good idea because I think those are the same ones that have been sitting there since we've been coming here. Today I decided was the day no man was standing in my way I was having a giant sour pickle. Let me just say I have eaten some truly disgusting things and this was by far the most disgusting thing I have ever had in my mouth and considering my high school days well never mind. I insisted on opening it in the car because well, who am I kidding I'm a 5 year old. The smell of this thing just about gagged me but with hubby looking on there was no out I took a deep breath and prepared for the worst. It was way beyond my worst expectations. I leaned out the car window to rid my nose and mouth of this atrocity while the hubby cackled uncontrollably. We finally pulled over at a gas station so I could throw away the remainder of the pickle and then rode in silence the rest of the way home. Even though the hubby grinned like a mad man and still cant look directly at me without bursting into laughter.

Because I Always Let You Know Before My Bday Too...

PS gifts are totally appropriate :o)

Are you new here?

So the hubby and I have been married for over three years now, in that time he has been grocery shopping with me at least 100 times. We almost always buy the same things with a few minor variations. With this in mind today while I lay dieing on the couch with strep throat he offered to go to the store and I agreed, thinking surely he could handle this. My fever ravaged body was surely insane at this point but I sat there thinking what a wonderful man to offer to do this chore. I tried to make this as pain free as possible and I made a list as I thought in my head aisle by aisle shelf by shelf which way he would go writing things down in painful detail. Colors names numbers locations descriptions, Helen Keller could have found what we bought with my list if only it was in Braille. So the hubby set out list in hand and I took a swig of NyQuil and closed my eyes and thought about why I thought it was a smart decision to take a job in pediatrics. 15 minutes later the first call came in then five minutes later another then a text then another call then another text then a call and I decided it would just be easier to stay on the phone. But no big deal at least we got what we needed or so I thought. Willy Wonka has nothing on the hubby. Our normal list was replaced with every 6 year old's fantasy of chocolate chip cookies, cakesters, frozen pizza, french fries, pop tarts, various sugary cereals, ice cream, and mountain dew. Oh some apples were purchased but they were baking apples. Oh well I guess its the gesture of love that matters!!

Married life teaches one invaluable lesson: to think of things far enough ahead not to say them. ~Jefferson Machamer

Tough Life Decisions

I have been waiting all summer long for the return of the Office and Grey's. I have longingly watched dvds of old episodes and passed the time with webisodes but tonight is the night I have been waiting for. Especially since my mom had to, you know, snap her foot off the night of the last episodes last season. I have possibly a million things I need to get done today but I'm spending all day trying to decide which one to watch and which to Tivo. I know not many people have to make such life altering decisions but I just cant bare to think about the disapproving glares of my Dwight and Michael bobbleheads atop the tv while I watch Greys. Either way I'm so happy they're back!!!

SCORE

We had to get up at the crack of dawn this morning because the hubby smashed his hand with a this tool he fashioned (a 5lb sledge hammer with a regular length handle). The up and down side of the medical profession is that you sometimes know who you should and shouldnt see as a Dr. Well a shouldnt was on call last night so we had to truck it to the local Doc-n-Box first thing this morning. Well after hours of convincing him that no it was not ok that this thumb was now 3 inches around, and no black is not a good color for the tip of your finger to have turned and when your knuckle is sideways on your finger it wont just be okay he agreed to get up first thing so we didnt spend all day sitting there. I was irritated anyways for other reasons and getting up at 6 this morning just set it off. When we finally left there I was just plain mad and really didnt want to stop at CVS but we had to get a script filled and I needed shampoo so in I went and THERE IT WAS!!!! Laying in the discount DVD bin was Sex and the City the Movie!!!! It's not supposed to be out until Tuesday and its Sunday and it was on Sale!!!!! I snatched it up wildly like a hungry animal vying for food and kept it closely guarded like someone would see it and realize this was totally a mistake and put them back until Tuesday. I went to check out and not a word was said I nearly jumped up and clicked my heels midair in the parking lot on the way to the car. Once safely locked in the car I looked around and then quietly whispered to the hubby look what I found, and produced it from the bag. He gave me a look like yeah so and I gleefully explained to him that I had an illegal early copy of Sex and The City which was not only illegal and early it was on sale as well. He rolled his eyes and said can we go home rulebreaker? I know it was not much but it was certainly exciting to me because Im cool like that. So I'm going to go watch my DVD and all you haters can wait til Tueday!! WOOHOO!!

To the Car I Love

Dear 2009 Dodge Challenger,

Oh how I love you 2009 Dodge Challenger. Even though you kinda look like the General Lee. Even though there is almost as little room inside of you as the cracker box I currently own (aka the rav aka the biggest piece o s*%t Toyota ever created) I doubt you can touch all 4 windows at the same time so Im good. Even though there is no way I could drive you in any inclement weather. Alas Dear vehicle we cant be together you see my hubby would steal you and turn you into some loud overpowered monster that I would never get to drive much less want to. I'm sorry about this but see I kinda took these wedding vows which trump my love for you. I promise that I will always hold a sweet place in my heart for you and that I will gaze longingly at you from afar but please dont be angry because if my hubby asks I will have to deny my love for you.

Love Always,

A Disheartened Rav4 Owner

Have A Good Laugh

Because I just want to crawl into bed..thats what she said

http://ummyeah.com/page/Every_Single_thats_What_She_Said_From_The_Office

enjoy!

I like pink but this is over the top

Yeah so Im supposed to start seeing patient at 9 am and I have raging I mean RAGING pink eye. The whole left side of my face is swollen. I think I may have glaucoma, I am never able to have them do that test where they blow air in your eye. I always blink and eventually the girl doing it gets mad and says yeah I cant do this if your going to close your eye. I really think that its involuntary I mean I know a big puff of air is coming. I think they should mix up the machines so I dont know its coming. Either way my eye looks like I've been foxy boxing and I know I wouldnt want a foxy boxer taking care of my kid. This is going to be great I'm an idiot and my face is jacked up.

OMG you guys

Tomorrow is the first day I have my own patients. My boss told me yesterday that I would just have a handful of patients to start with which was a relief and an insult in one, like thank god, and yeah sorry I'm an idiot. I'm really confused as to whether to be excited or scared. The hubby looked at me today and said well you knew this day would come eventually, you only went to school for this for seven years. While this is totally true its not the comforting, compassionate advice I was looking for. This is going to be a long rest of the week. I guess it good that they already know ahead of time that I'm slow and special, its nice to keep the expectations low, harder to disappoint that way.

"Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell 'em, Certainly, I can! Then get busy and find out how to do it." Teddy Roosevelt

Superskim.. Superchest

I have long thought that I am adopted, yes I look like pictures of my mom when she was my age but I am lacking in one area which is very prominent in my family. My mom wears a double D, my aunt wears a D and she has had a pound taken out of each of the girls, my cousin wears a D and my grandma wears an H yes I said an H cup. I barely fill up a sad A cup. If you saw a picture of my torso you may not be able to discern the front from back. I think something is very wrong. I have tried various things to compensate but nothing has helped. Yesterday though my mom was talking about some article she read that claimed that Superskim milk was loaded with hormones which make the girls increase in size. I have been a strict light soymilk girl for some time now but I thought I would give it try. So I bought a half gallon of superskim and chugged away last night. I woke up this morning hoping to resemble Dolly Parton sadly this wasnt the case but I guess I will give it a few days. Somehow though I think I will live forever being able to buy training bras, I guess mine are just slow and havent figured out what they are being trained to do.

"Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater." ~Bette Davis, about Jayne Mansfield

Is it me or is it stressful in here?

The past couple days have been a total blurring whirly mess. My grandma that raised me (well I say raised like she doesnt continue to do that on a daily basis) is a strong willed tough ol broad that doesnt really ever go to the doctor and never stops helping other people who need her. She's so busy taking care of other people she doesnt take good care of herself. She decided to go to the doctor last week and he decided she needed a cardiac cath but she didnt want to tell anyone so that left my poor little grandpa to have to take the fall and leak the news to us but this didnt happen until the night before. She showed up at 9:00 am that morning with her little pink lipstick on just smiling away like nothing, like we were going out to eat or going shopping. She was eerily calm but my grandpa sobbed and sniffled all morning. I felt like my head may burst it was too much like 2 months ago with my father in law. After we sat there for what seemed like days the surgeon finally came out to tell us that she had to have open heart surgery. I felt like someone had knocked the air out of me. My poor little grandpa looked like hed been shot and he sobbed quietly while the surgeon continued to explain things to us. He told us that she could have had a stent in two arteries but there was one that he couldnt place a stent in because it had a sharp bend in it and was now very very small. I was now scared for her and for myself because I have that same sharp artery and was told when I was in 5th grade when I had a chest xray one day this artery would have to be repaired. A few minutes later she came back upstairs groggy but still wearing her pink lipstick we told her what would have to happen and she was okay with it but she still wanted to go home before surgery because she had tickets to a concert the next night and she wanted to go. We told her they wouldnt let her go home because they knew she wouldnt come back. The next day we found out her surgery would be at 8 the next morning. We were all anxious and it seemed like just minutes from that time to 4 am when we all piled into the car to head to the hospital to visit with her before surgery. She again was eerily calm, grandpa was still crying, and my sister and I were unable to look at her or grandpa without crying. Suddenly it was time to take her to surgery we all kissed and hugged and then made our way to the waiting room where my aunt ate compulsively, my sister slept, my mom compulsively called people from her cell, and I was nausous for hours until finally they told us the doctor was ready to talk to us. I literally felt fight or flight kick in I couldnt sit still I was sweating and my heart was thumping. It must have been 20 minutes before he finally showed up and he was smiling so I knew it was ok. We were allowed to visit for 30 minutes every four hours. The first visit she had a ventilator tube down her throat and she was not very alert. I knew she was going to be on a vent and I knew it was going to make me sick. I saw my mom on the vent when she had cancer and I passed out. I went in there and the same thing was starting to happen everything went white and I barely made it to a chair but I kept it together and managed not to crack my head open on the ICU floor. We went back to waiting room and waited 4 hours until we could see her again the next time we went in she was alert but still had the tube she was begging us to take it out, and she was gagging and throwing up I couldnt bare to see it. I could feel the tears start forming and I felt so sick and sweaty I didnt think I would be able make it to the chair to sit down but I did. I cried the entire four hours until we could go in again. The next visit she had the tube out. I felt relieved. When we finally made it home I felt like I had run a marathon. I was asleep before I actually layed down. The next morning she was sitting up in a chair in ICU talking and carrying on like she always does and a few hours later she was put in a regular room. She even sat and watched a football game yelling and fighting with the tv. She's doing really well now and I feel like the exhaustion stage of stress has set in. I just want to sleep curled up a ball.

The incredible shrinking loveseat

For some unknown reason our loveseat had uneven legs probably because it was old and tired and furniture being like your grandma it starts to shrink with age. Ok so I really have no clue what happened to it but it was super annoying to sit on because it wobbled. I suggested we just take the legs off and go with it but the hubby being a manly Bob Vila type wanted to even the legs out. I could see this was gonna go bad fast. (We once had to screw our back door closed when he tried to "fix it") So you know I was scared and by scared I mean I went and sat on the other couch and criticized the efforts while I watched tv. So he started out pretty good and then somehow one of the back legs was too short and now the love seat was more like a giant rocking chair less like a loveseat. So like 6 hours of sweating, cussing, measuring, remeasuring, standing in different places to "get a good look" later the hubby had evened all the legs to nonexistent. I really wanted to laugh at our new legless mini loveseat but its so small and tiny and I was afraid the hubby might take into me with the large handful of tools he was still holding. I seriously think we should have our own home improvement show, like Frank and Marie Barone with tools.
We'll call it Are You Sure You Should Cut That? and the Subtitle would be Is There Anyone You Could Call That Actually Knows How To Do This?

"I'm picturing what it's like every time you renovate. There's a big hole in the wall and two paramedics." "First of all, I'll make no holes in the wall, and you know what? It might be kinda cool to see Dave and Biff again"- Home Improvement

Whats Happening Hotstuff

I went to the ATM this morning in running shorts and a tshirt with no makeup and a hairstyle the hubby has deemed the rooster 'do. I normally never do this because this is like the batsignal calling everyone I have ever met to show up where ever I am. This morning though it was eerily quiet and I felt a little weird even being out like something was wrong and everybody knew not to be out but me because of course I had been watching Gilmore Girls on dvd rather than the news. When I got to the ATM there was already someone there and so I was waiting my turn and I was sexually harassed even though I looked like something the puppy coughed up and there was no one else out so I felt like I surely going to be attacked because I have seen that episode of Oprah where whatever expert said listen to your internal voice, that gut feeling saying hey run you have new shoes at home you haven't worn yet it would be a shame to be knocked on the head and thrown in someones trunk. So I reach for my phone which of course I had left at home and I thought wow yeah so I hope someone cool plays me in the lifetime movie this is playing out to be. But the weirdo just stood there saying obscene things at me until I finished and sped away and now I'm thinking how great it makes the rest of the day when you think you're going to be sliced and diced first thing in the morning.