Happy Thanksgiving

I need my Thanksgiving pants so while I wish I could breathe I will give you a picture of what I wish my stomach looked like instead of what it looks like post turkey, stuffing, a roll the size of fist, and a piece of pie which wasnt good but I was peer pressured into eating.

Two for Tuesday... Sorta

I heart How I Met Your Mother in a way thats unnatural, like if I could only have one tv shows love child it would be How I Met Your Mother's. Ok now that I made you feel awkward on with it.

1) 50 reason why people have sex a la Lily

2) The Naked Man- The Burt Reynolds is My Fave



ps- What show do you heart?

Now Until Mid January I Guess I'll Grocery Shop on Tuesday at 3:30 am

WTF

I'm stealing this from another blog because I really believe the key to the advancement of the human race is knowledge so everyone should know about this.

So this is incredible to me. There is obviously some alcohol involved its pictured there to the right but ginormous amount that would have caused this should have caused their drunk naked asses to fall off the bridge. Also someone took a picture of this but it didnt tie up traffic? This person must not have any friends. Also this gutter slut took time to have a nice cig and a conversation on top of this loser after. Ahh love.

Hump Day

Its Wednesday. I had orientation to my new job today. It started by me not really realizing that I had to get out of bed, thinking when the alarm off went off, haha hubs sucks to be you, then I realized, oh $#%^ thats sucks to be me. I got it up it was cold I was tired my hair was doing this weird flippy frizzy staticky thing like I had just been to the electric chair and lived but kept this bitchin hairstyle as a souvenir for all to see. A little later in the day I found a piece of my what I assume to be someone's tooth in my sandwich on my forced lunchdate with the CEO. Goodtimes man. Fast forward to when I had to flip on my Joy Turner switch. It was a mess. But its hump once again, so here goes. Paul Teutul Jr. its the dimples.

Two for Tuesday

1) You shouldn't eat frozen yogurt when there are snow flurries outside no matter how much you want it. You will never get warm again. Even if you get a nice fall/winter flavor and blast the heat there is no way to recover. You will then prompt you're weirdo sis to stop for coffee at every starbucks for the next 15 exits.

2) You will never run into your ex when you look smokin searin awesome with your hair and makeup done with a rockin outfit. You will however run into your ex and his new wifey-poo when you've been traveling all day in the car in sweats, been asleep for three hours, mascara smeared, hair all like a rats nest, like you've been out all night rode hard and put up wet. She however will have on It will will then cause your mom to say wow Bitzy Muffy Tuffy is really beautiful.... You have mascara on your face, your hair needs brushed, you look really tired, you need to start exercising more, you need a vitamin, blah blah blah blah blah.

Frankly My Dear

Wow head's spinning as I sit here typing this. Some not so great things have happened recently but I have Scarlet O'hara in me so I don't want to think about that right now or I might go crazy. I also have this really just whacky thing that happens when I get really stressed where my bronchials close so somewhere in BFE I started having a full blown asthma attack last night in the car. Well being the organized adult together woman I am I had nail files, tissues, a sweater shaver, shampoo, a travel checkers game, a book, 4 types of gum, hand santizer, tweezers but no inhaler in my purse. We had to go to some two bit wally world that didnt have primtene inhalers but pills so of course they thought we were making meth even thought it sounded like Yanni playing a solo in my bronchioles. Then the primtene pills have really helped the anxiety I feel like a caged rat. Also we drove my aunts car here which smells like hiney and I just realized this post makes little to no sense because I really didnt explain where we were going but really oh well because no one reads this crap anyways.

Well Go Me....What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

Well I have scored myself a super awesome prestigious new job except the job I have had for the past couple of months has sucked the life and brains out of me so now this job is probably way out of my league and I keep waiting for them to realize I'm an idiot and take the job away. But I was super honest when I interviewed for it and they liked that so I guess they realize its like hiring McDreamy when you need an actual neurosurgeon. Well maybe its not that extreme did get training for what I'm about to do I have just been playing in snot, ears, rashes, and poop, for the past couple and now I'm expected to deal with heart attacks, strokes, kidney failure, you know major stuff. Its like that scene in Legally Blonde when Elle is in her class and pulls out that that feathery pen and that little note pad to take notes with everyone else has a laptop. I have a feathery pen and everyone has a laptop.

But this just doesn't take away from the fact that I am so proud of myself I got myself out a situation which was horrid to say the least and was taking a toll on my mental state and professional ability and now I have a job which is pays amazing and will allow to be a person and not a slave. Just hopefully the nervous diarrhea wont soak through my Depends do you think Elle Woods wore Depends?

Some Days You Gotta Dance

Are you ever so proud of yourself you just want to explode. Some big things maybe getting ready to happen but I'm just so happy for has happened today. Sorry to be so cryptic but thats all I can say right now I promise tomorrow with bring more info and treats. WOOHOO.

Time Management

Hubs is out of town so in an effort not to waste time and effort, electricity, and to make full use of my laziness I ate a banana, some grapes, and string cheese for dinner. I have a ton of crap I need to be reading for work and I decided I needed to twitter, make my dog some chicken, twitter again, see how many pieces I could peel string cheese into(33 in case you were wondering), dust the living room, fold towels, twitter again, rearrange dvds, couple socks, change the dogs water,clean the kitchen floor and now as a last resort I'm telling you about all the crap I did that you don't give a flying monkey butt about just so I don't have to read yet. But now I'm out of stuff to say so I guess I really have to make a responsible choice for my future or at least find something good to watch on tv. If there was someone out in the hallway puking or having sex it would be just like college.

Hump Day

Im instituting a new feature because I'm classy called Hump Day. You're smart figure it out. So here is the first installment. Richard Ruccolo who plays Jay on Rita Rocks. I think I probably wouldnt have started watching this show if it wasn't for Richard Ruccolo but now I like it. My love affair with him began many years ago when he was on Two Guys a Girl and Pizza Place. I am kinda ashamed to say once I blew off going on a date in high school so I could stay home and watch the very last episode because you got to vote what happened and I of course voted. Whats really sad is the boy I blew off looked somewhat like Richard Ruccolo so I shouldve probably just gone on the date instead of watching a fictional character on tv but ya know ya live ya learn. Ok anyway back to the task at hand. As a reminder of what a giant weirdo I was/am Richard Ruccolo is the first featured man of Hump Day. Happy Humping!

Two For Tuesday

1) The Hubs has a really odd pants size I spent my whole lunch hour looking for pants for him. Hes a freak or incredibly normal so that everyone else wears the exact same size and there were no pants in his size to be had. Hmm now I'm intrigued.

2) Marshmallow creme is the oddest substance known to man. I had to use some for a recipe and I don't know if its a solid or a liquid and I don't know how to get it out of the jar. Basically it ended up all over me, the kitchen, and you guessed it the dog. I gave up on the recipe and ate marshmallow creme.

Superuterus to the Rescue

All my sisters in law (is that right? like culs da sac? anyway) are super fertile and for awhile after I graduated the pressure was on hot and heavy for me to pop some out but the hubs nipped that in the bud and I think they are all scared now to even mention it. I think its great. They were all conversating about how if they all had as many kids as the mother ute and my niece was complaining she wanted someone to have another girl and no one even looked at me and I think this is spectacular. They are terrified of my reproductivity. I love it the absolute power. If I ever do squeeze one out they may die of shock I loves it. If I hold out a couple more years I bet I could get a car or something.

What Up Disney?

Ok Disney Needs to Institute Some Sort of Slut Test. My niece already wants to wear a thong she doesnt need to see a bare butt cheetah girl or Miley Slutrus with her nips out or making out with some girl. And This cheetah girl had this crap on her personal computer I know but she was sending to Kim Karshadian's brother hello! Deja vu much? When you make your living singing annoying songs to little kids you cant stand around with your hind end out in a hotel room and take pictures of it I'm sorry thats the price you pay. You're making my niece a ho please stop and you give her major attitude and she does that head roll thing when talks and it takes a lot not to smack her face. I blame you and those awful bratz dolls. Stop being a slut. Thanks.

Marsha Marsha Marsha

Its really no secret that I love Maureen McCormick. I have been eyeing her book since it came out but I feel conflicted. I have heard what its about and it kinda ruins Marsha Brady for me. I'm gonna let some geek slip out and tell you that I used to brush my hair 100 times every night because I wanted hair like Marsha, and then the hubby was like man all you do is brush your hair you never have time for me. No but really when I was like 6 years old I spent hours brushing my hair and I really wanted some awesome 70's outfits like Marsha. I even went as Marsha Brady for Halloween. My mom was horrified. I'm not sure that I can ruin that reading that Marsha was coked out and making out with Jan. It's like having a dream crushed. But I'm so nosey I feel like I have to at least peek at it.

Im Tired

Robbed

I was really looking forward to getting one of those little I voted stickers. I stood in line forever and didn't even get to stand in the booth I had to sit at a lunch table in the cafegymatorium and in the end there were no I voted stickers. I guess I have to settle for the satisfaction of being a good citizen.

Why November Will Be Scurvy Month

Last year we had at least 250 kids come to the door to trick or treat. We ran out of candy at one point and I had to run out and buy more. Also our beautiful animal went bats*%t crazy everytime the doorbell rang after the first couple kids decided to come in the house when we didnt open the door fast enough. So this year I wanted it to be different I wanted the animal to be well-behaved and beautifully dressed and I didnt want to run out of candy.First I bought 3 of the largest bags of candy Ive ever seen probably about 5 lbs of candy all together. Next I premedicated the animal with a turkey pill so he would be calm like hed just eaten a large turkey dinner. Then after the pill had started to kick in I dressed the animal in his beautiful costume and began to wait. The hubby and I sat here for the two hours of trick or treat without one kid coming to the door. Now we are going to have to eat the three bags of candy we are left with plus the bag the hubby asked me to get for him in case we used the rest to make sure he would get some. So heres to rotten teeth, soft bones, and obesity, bring on the candy!!!