I love it when a friend calls just when you need it and they have no idea just through that weird friend ESP and it doesnt make everything better but at least now its okay. I'm glad its Friday and that I have "my own personal Lorelei Gilmore"

ps I would just like to point out how much of a grown-up I'm being over here about all this.

A Ransom Note Of Sorts

I work with sick kids all day every day so I basically bathe in germs I may as well just go out and lick the pavement in the parking lot. I wash my hands until they are raw resembling some sort of corn cobb sandpaper hybrid and I use so much purell I'm afraid if I get pulled over on the way home I may have an illegal blood alcohol level but its just a fact that I'm going to get sick at some point. The hubby went out town this week for work so this would be when I would get some biological warfare virus causing the flu to look like a free shopping spree through sephora but if youre gonna be a bear be a grizzly because I didnt just get this magical bug I also have pneumonia. Ive had nothing but cough drops to eat for two days partly because of the vomitting and partly because I cant get up, move my arms, or walk so with my cell dead location of my charger unknown, alone with the disease from Outbreak I just wanted human contact while the cough drops hold out.

Youve Got To Be Kidding!

On any given day I'm 90% caffeine and much of that comes from coffee. Coffee is my homeboy its what makes me a person, its what allows me to allow others to walk around without fear for their lives. Somewhere around 11 coffee is replaced with coke zero and the cycle of life repeats again the next day.
I keep a jar where I empty the days change everyday. I plan one day to use this for a nice set of knockers. You might be wondering if Ive had a stroke or my brain has short circuited in some way because these two thoughts are not related. Well I didnt think they were either until I saw this : " Coffee Can Shrink Breasts, Study Finds Oct. 20) - Women who drink coffee as a pick-me-up might discover it keeps their breast size down. Even if smaller breasts aren't their cup of tea, there's a great tradeoff: a lower breast cancer risk.
"Drinking coffee can have a major effect on breast size," said Helena Jernström, an oncology researcher from Sweden's Lund University whose team discovered the connection. "

oh coffee how youve betrayed me so!

WOAH

Very little in life shocks me anymore, I dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing but thats just the way it is. I love love love How I Met Your Mother and I have thought since last year that Stella is going to be the mother and Ive been so sad. I dont really like Stella and I want Ted to be with Robin. (you know since hes fictional and cant be with me) I have also been sad this season because Robin looks like Skeletor but thats beside the point. I just have to say I totally didnt see that coming, what does it all mean???? Im just astonished and now I have to wait until next week but way to go HIMYM for not being totally predictable you made my evening, which I'm sure was your highest priority.

wtf?

I lost the remote and was watching The Hills Lost scenes. Not that I dont watch the Hills sometimes but theres a limit you know I mean an hour straight of this stuff and I find it hard to form complete sentences and feel the need to pick a fight with someone. I wasnt paying close attention because this show causes me to turn off the thinking part of my brain but I came to when there was a scene where Audrina shaved Laurens cat into these weird like pom pom legs,a lions mane, and bushytail, I know I know the show is fake but some poor animal had to be humiliated to provide "entertainment". I think whats worse is Im pretty sure she didnt do it herself so somewhere theres a place that offers this as a service? Someone thought hmm if only there was a way for people to make their cats legs more decorative..

Whos In Charge Here?

Weve been babysitting the niece and nephew who are 11 and 15 for the past two days and when I say babysitting I mean Ive had two small slave children for the past two days. Ive decided if I could get two small, quiet, previously trained children like these then hells yeah sign me up. The nephew took out the trash, the neice folded laundry, they loaded the dishwasher, they put away groceries, the hubby doesnt even do most of this stuff. Of course the sister in law says they never do this at home and I have to be lying because theres just no way but maybe thats because we had ice cream and mountain dew for dinner and Im not sure my neice has washed her hair or brushed her teeth since shes been here and the nephew gets calls on his cell way past midnight. This is bound to come crashing down soon but they go home tonight. I must say this parenting thing is hard work and its really cutting in to my sitting around time.

So No One Told You Life Was Gonna Be This Way....

Admit it you clapped in your head when you read the title didnt you? Anyways now that weve firmly established my geekiness for today, I would like to begin the ranting. One of my best friends texted me this morning and right as I got to work and when I saw it was her I rolled my eyes and thought now what. I felt a little guilty that I thought this but considering her track record its only natural. Im sure you have a friend like this. We have a great time together we can spend hours on the phone, I can talk to her about anything, and even if we havent talked for weeks we can pick up right where we left off and its fine but she will blow me off for a guy or even the hope of a guy everytime. I hate this. It makes my blood boil. She sent me a text a couple weeks ago saying she had strept throat and couldnt make our dinner date so I was bummed but let it slide the next night she sent me another and said she still wasnt feeling well. A week later she called and said she thought she had bronchitis and felt much worse and wanted to wait. A week after that she texted me and said her mom had to have surgery and she couldnt make it. Last week the guy vanished then boom I get the text this morning asking if I want to go out tonight or tomorrow. I already had plans and when I told her this she acted all hurt and like I must be some heartless bitch because I didnt coming running when she snapped. Weve been friends for years and I hate to drift completely apart but at what point are your friends just your friends because you were friends at one time and how much are you supposed to let your friends get away with and still be your friends?

Hello Major Disappointment Speaking

My mom called my office today after calling my cell 3 times while I was in with a patient. I chose not to say oh hang on my mommy is calling I need to take this because I figured it was something insane like she wanted to know if I wanted large bags of Halloween candy, I was right. The receptionist came and got me out of a room I answered the phone and she was frantic and said you should identify yourself when you answer your business phone I said I knew it was you you asked for me mother, then I put her on hold then answered with the name of the office and said this major disappointment speaking, highly confused my mother was silent for second and then said asked what size Halloween costume do think the dog would wear extra small or small? I took a deep breath and then said mother whatever you think and I hung up. She immediately called my cell again and I answered and said mother do have any idea what I do all day? She said you are being very hateful and I am just trying to help you out and you are being awful. I said mother I am very sorry you are completely right I am awful you are wonderful please forgive me just buy whatever size you think but I have to go and I will call you later I am busy though I and I did not mean to be hateful please forgive me I am sorry thank you for trying to be helpful I talk to you later and I hung up and I turned around and one of bosses was standing there and she said yeah I have mother too.

82 y/o WM seeking annyoing brainless bimbo 18-30 y/o

Im sad that Girls Next Door were sent packing. I really thought their love was true and real. I mean what about 3 plastic only slightly different looking blonde women with no discernible skills all dating the same 80 something year old man who is feeble, has to take his food everywhere with him, cackles like a senile old coot, and constantly parades naked ho's through his house doesnt scream that honest to goodness forever love. But I am somewhat intrigued to find out who the New Girls will be. I'm sure they were lining up, I mean what girl wouldnt want to live in house with a crotchety old sex perv who only wears pj's and gives you an allowance and curfew in return for well I dont even want to think about that. I just hope that whatever Mensa candidate gets picked doesnt parade her grandparents through the mansion this time, especially when theyre younger than Hugh Hefner, its just creepy.

VrooommMMMMM

I love me some Jamie McMurray. MMMM. What a hot piece.

..But It Is A Really Popular Car...

We went to the movies last night and the theater we went to almost always sells out so we went before to buy tickets. We ended up going to buy tickets at the time when another movie was ending so it was really crowded and being the kind, loving, sweet, sexy, gorgeous, oh sorry I got carried away, person that I am I volunteered to run in while everyone else waited in the car. So after an eternity of listening to some 12 year olds try to talk the 12 year old selling tickets into letting them into an R rated movie I finally purchased the tickets and headed for the door. I saw our car sitting in a spot right in front of the door and walked right out and opened the door and sat down except some guy was sitting in the drivers seat not the hubby,this was not our car. I could have died. Well not so much died as been murdered but still. I quickly said oh sorry this isn't my car and jumped out well in my rush I got my heel caught on something and fell forward and busted my ass and my knee and then closed the door. I was really hoping just this once the hubby and our friends hadn't seen this particular moment of genius but there they were all with big goofy grins. I went to go get in the right car this time and they were all hysterical. It was a very long evening and the movie wasn't even that good. I decided I shouldnt be allowed out unsupervised.

Vacay? No way!

My mom left to go to the beach this morning and I am highly jealous well I would be if it wasnt for one tiny detail. The vacay gods have cursed our entire family to horrid vacations which make the Griswalds point and laugh, I mean bordering on like Dateline Investigations vacations. Once when I was in high school my entire family was going to the beach and we stopped half way to spend the night at some hotel just because it takes my family 10-12 hours longer than it does anyone else to drive anywhere on vacation. We were staying at some hotel where there was a wedding that night and it was the only entertainment anywhere around there that evening and lets face it as a family in general we are the nosiest people you'll ever meet so we decided to see what we could see. We headed down to "workout" and for some reason my mom decided to wear her "good" nightgown, you know with the hole in the boob and sweat pants and a hoodie, you know really try to blend in with the wedding guests. Anyways my mom, aunt, cousin and I were using the machines and by that I mean peeking next door at the reception and fighting about what should be on the tv but still to make the effort legit my mom hops on the treadmill and is speed walking like a mofo when the guests start gathering outside the door waiting to get in the reception. All of a sudden my mom jumps off the treadmill and runs to the corner and pukes in a fake plant, we were all completely horrified, then burst into hysterical laughter from pure shock. In fact my aunt laughed so hard she started peeing and we decided to leave because the puke,pee, and sweat smell was vomit inducing itself but now we have to make our way thru some wedding guests with Pampers and Upchuck in toe. My mom kept everyone in both rooms up all night worrying we were going to be asked to leave because she ralphed in the plant and my aunt had urinary incontinence issues on the bike. We never go on any trip with her now without checking to make sure that there is a gym and without premedicating her with pepto.