A year later

One year ago today my father in law passed away. I can safely say this was the closest I have ever come to a full on nervous breakdown. I cannot believe the amount of stress I was under at this time because I was also a week away from taking my boards for PA school for which I had studied basically zilch for because I had been at Duke with him for 3 days then come home to watch him die for two weeks. My husband was a disaster my mother in law was a DISASTER to the point where she was a danger to herself. I hadnt slept in 6 months because before that I was preparing for graduation and leading up to that my father in law was in really poor health not being able to swallow, being incontinent, and various other health problems. The worst part about it was my father in law who had been struggling with alzheimers for 5 years was the most lucid Id seen him since his diagnosis. He heart was failing but it seemed his brain was razor sharp. Being the medical professional I had to be the one to switch off my emotions take everything in process what was happening because when a doctor would talk to us everyone would monitor my every facial expression every breath sigh movement. But I was dieing on the inside too. I had never had parents until I dated my husband and I knew what was coming. My mother in law cornered me asking me to explain to her what the tests had said I did and she broke down sobbing it was the first time she actually realized it was about to be over. Later that day he looked up at her and grabbed her hand and asked am I sick? She explained to him that he was using the same analogy I had used which made me feel at least a little better at having been the one to have to tell my mother in law and have to see that... I still see it sometimes when I close my eyes. He struggled for a couple more days but finally on July 4th she leaned over and told him its ok to go and he smiled and that took one last breath. I'm a lot stronger than I ever thought I could be a year later. July 4th isnt every just going to be hotdogs and fireworks now